i'm almost certain i felt ovulation pains today. it was on the left side.
now i'm off to google image search pictures of sperm-egg fertilization, in an attempt to perform positive visualization. as my book tells me to do.
(fingers crossed for high temp tomorrow to confirm ovulation! if not i'm just going to throw my thermometer away :P)
Monday, November 07, 2011
i probably could have written in here every day since the last post until now, since as you know if you a)are also TTCing or b)know me at all, i obsess about the process all day, every day. and in fact, there has also been a substantial amount of news and details to obsess over. which is better than obsessing in a void. i think.
so anyway. last time i wrote i was pretty much to the point of accepting last month’s BFN, although AF hadn’t shown yet. she did (it did?) eventually, and we moved on. again, praise the Lord, it was NOT as devastating as the first BFN. and i didn’t know it at the time, but things were only about to get better....
we did meet with our KD and his wife for dinner a couple weeks ago (or just one week ago? time’s been flying by!) and we honestly didn’t know what the result would be. you know, it was totally possible that they would want to be co-parents or be called daddy or who knows what–-because everybody is different and there are endless valid variations of parenting and family. we were just hoping that’s not what they wanted because it’s not what we are looking for. and it totally isn’t! they have essentially the same exact expectations as we do–donate sperm (for which we pay them one pint of ben and jerry’s for each insem :), not be any sort of family figure, maybe not even live in the same city or country as the baby, but still be friends, and that’s it. we even realized that since we live way in the north of the city and they live way in the south, but sometimes work in the north, that on insem days we could even give them rides home and thus contribute a little something to them (besides the ice cream). and we decided this over yummy japanese food. it was perfect.
so that was about a week and a half ago, and it just happened to be very close to my ovulation, though of course i never really can tell and my O day jumps around a lot. and this week was an excellent example of me “never really can tell”-ing. my signs were all over the place and confusing and being contradictory amongst themselves. my temps went down then up then down again (i may need a new thermometer??). my cervix seemed to be up and so i thought that because of that, that certain day MUST be fertile-time, but i had no EWCM. now yesterday i had awesome EWCM, but my cervix had long since come back down. i had smileys twice, Wednesday and Sunday. same basic confusion as always...good times!
the upshot is that we ended up doing three inseminations this week. this is actually the ideal plan (3 or 4 days before O, then 1 or 2 days before O, then day of) but we didn’t plan it on purpose. i got that first smiley Wednesday and panicked and asked if we could start that night (because i also had a high cervix, as far as i can tell, though no fertile CM). i had a slight inkling that it could be a ‘false early positive’ because i’ve had those before (apparently my LH goes up and down??) AND i hadn’t tested the day before because i hadn’t slept long enough and thought it was too early to matter. so of course i freaked out because i couldn’t tell if it was a flash in the pan fluke, or the tail end of a regular length surge. and then the next day my temp went up so i thought, yep, that was it, we only got one try in this month but at least it’s something!
but then i kept being not convinced because i just wasn’t seeing any fertile CM and it still seemed kind of early to me (first smiley was CD 14, whereas I usually get it between 15 and 19). so we did it again Friday night just in case. and then i kept testing just for kicks, because i really wanted to figure this cycle out. so Sunday (CD 18, much more normal timing), i got a +OPK with FMU and contemplated asking them again (even though it was the end of a super long week and weekend and i felt bad because on Friday, we had sort of implied that this was it for the month). we went out to lunch with a friend, i came home and got ANOTHER smiley, without even waiting 4 hours between POASing, and i also had very obvious EWCM. so yes, finally i knew, at least i understand this month! i think i need to get used to my cycles having multiple smileys and being long and just never really being OBVIOUS one way or the other...and learn to embrace it :)
and i texted KD and his wife and they told me it was perfectly fine to do another go-round yesterday evening. i tried to profusely apologize but they said it was no big deal, and they get ice cream out of it, so it’s all good. they sound totally laid back, don’t they? which they are, as well as awesome in SO many other ways. i’m serious-–at first we didn’t really consider at all using a KD and their offer came out of the blue for us, but after spending this week with them i literally cannot think of any cooler or more wonderful way of doing this. not only am i becoming better friends with two extremely amazing people, but they’re also giving this whole process a lift from the ‘non-fun-let’s-just-do-it-but-it’s-stressful’ place it was in previously. i mean, it’s still a little stressful, it can’t not be. but they explained to me in great detail last week what a blessing it was for them to be involved in this, and they are really excited and into it. NOT excited in a sketchy way like, are they going to want to steal the baby? :P, excited because they want to be a part of radical and hilarious and queer and fabulous and holy things. that’s a direct quote.
plus i keep finding out more and more things we have in common (other than the first right-off-the-bat-obvious thing that KD has red hair and so do i, though his is much more bright and brilliant! ha:). also, they went to college in ohio. also, some of their family is from pittsburgh. also, they have huge shelves full of books within which are included selections by bill bryson and ursula k leguin and john irving. also there are lots of things we DON’T have in common but that i am learning so much through. i’m pretty sure that even though they’re the heterosexual ‘traditional’ couple on the outside, we're going to learn more than i can express from them about being radical and queer and loving it.
also we’ve decided to use astronomical lingo when talking about our ‘process’, so we talk about the mission and launching satellites and naming each month’s attempt after a different shuttle. and we sit around their room after the insem (when i’m lying with my feet up for half an hour) talking about anything and everything (and sometimes sharing their ice cream). i don’t actually want to keep getting BFNs indefinitely just so we can hang out with them and talk, but they have completely revolutionized the process for me and the prospect of doing so is now a totally different experience :). it's not every KD and his wife that you can say that about!!
so anyway. last time i wrote i was pretty much to the point of accepting last month’s BFN, although AF hadn’t shown yet. she did (it did?) eventually, and we moved on. again, praise the Lord, it was NOT as devastating as the first BFN. and i didn’t know it at the time, but things were only about to get better....
we did meet with our KD and his wife for dinner a couple weeks ago (or just one week ago? time’s been flying by!) and we honestly didn’t know what the result would be. you know, it was totally possible that they would want to be co-parents or be called daddy or who knows what–-because everybody is different and there are endless valid variations of parenting and family. we were just hoping that’s not what they wanted because it’s not what we are looking for. and it totally isn’t! they have essentially the same exact expectations as we do–donate sperm (for which we pay them one pint of ben and jerry’s for each insem :), not be any sort of family figure, maybe not even live in the same city or country as the baby, but still be friends, and that’s it. we even realized that since we live way in the north of the city and they live way in the south, but sometimes work in the north, that on insem days we could even give them rides home and thus contribute a little something to them (besides the ice cream). and we decided this over yummy japanese food. it was perfect.
so that was about a week and a half ago, and it just happened to be very close to my ovulation, though of course i never really can tell and my O day jumps around a lot. and this week was an excellent example of me “never really can tell”-ing. my signs were all over the place and confusing and being contradictory amongst themselves. my temps went down then up then down again (i may need a new thermometer??). my cervix seemed to be up and so i thought that because of that, that certain day MUST be fertile-time, but i had no EWCM. now yesterday i had awesome EWCM, but my cervix had long since come back down. i had smileys twice, Wednesday and Sunday. same basic confusion as always...good times!
the upshot is that we ended up doing three inseminations this week. this is actually the ideal plan (3 or 4 days before O, then 1 or 2 days before O, then day of) but we didn’t plan it on purpose. i got that first smiley Wednesday and panicked and asked if we could start that night (because i also had a high cervix, as far as i can tell, though no fertile CM). i had a slight inkling that it could be a ‘false early positive’ because i’ve had those before (apparently my LH goes up and down??) AND i hadn’t tested the day before because i hadn’t slept long enough and thought it was too early to matter. so of course i freaked out because i couldn’t tell if it was a flash in the pan fluke, or the tail end of a regular length surge. and then the next day my temp went up so i thought, yep, that was it, we only got one try in this month but at least it’s something!
but then i kept being not convinced because i just wasn’t seeing any fertile CM and it still seemed kind of early to me (first smiley was CD 14, whereas I usually get it between 15 and 19). so we did it again Friday night just in case. and then i kept testing just for kicks, because i really wanted to figure this cycle out. so Sunday (CD 18, much more normal timing), i got a +OPK with FMU and contemplated asking them again (even though it was the end of a super long week and weekend and i felt bad because on Friday, we had sort of implied that this was it for the month). we went out to lunch with a friend, i came home and got ANOTHER smiley, without even waiting 4 hours between POASing, and i also had very obvious EWCM. so yes, finally i knew, at least i understand this month! i think i need to get used to my cycles having multiple smileys and being long and just never really being OBVIOUS one way or the other...and learn to embrace it :)
and i texted KD and his wife and they told me it was perfectly fine to do another go-round yesterday evening. i tried to profusely apologize but they said it was no big deal, and they get ice cream out of it, so it’s all good. they sound totally laid back, don’t they? which they are, as well as awesome in SO many other ways. i’m serious-–at first we didn’t really consider at all using a KD and their offer came out of the blue for us, but after spending this week with them i literally cannot think of any cooler or more wonderful way of doing this. not only am i becoming better friends with two extremely amazing people, but they’re also giving this whole process a lift from the ‘non-fun-let’s-just-do-it-but-it’s-stressful’ place it was in previously. i mean, it’s still a little stressful, it can’t not be. but they explained to me in great detail last week what a blessing it was for them to be involved in this, and they are really excited and into it. NOT excited in a sketchy way like, are they going to want to steal the baby? :P, excited because they want to be a part of radical and hilarious and queer and fabulous and holy things. that’s a direct quote.
plus i keep finding out more and more things we have in common (other than the first right-off-the-bat-obvious thing that KD has red hair and so do i, though his is much more bright and brilliant! ha:). also, they went to college in ohio. also, some of their family is from pittsburgh. also, they have huge shelves full of books within which are included selections by bill bryson and ursula k leguin and john irving. also there are lots of things we DON’T have in common but that i am learning so much through. i’m pretty sure that even though they’re the heterosexual ‘traditional’ couple on the outside, we're going to learn more than i can express from them about being radical and queer and loving it.
also we’ve decided to use astronomical lingo when talking about our ‘process’, so we talk about the mission and launching satellites and naming each month’s attempt after a different shuttle. and we sit around their room after the insem (when i’m lying with my feet up for half an hour) talking about anything and everything (and sometimes sharing their ice cream). i don’t actually want to keep getting BFNs indefinitely just so we can hang out with them and talk, but they have completely revolutionized the process for me and the prospect of doing so is now a totally different experience :). it's not every KD and his wife that you can say that about!!
Monday, October 17, 2011
and on to KD....?
tested tonight and got a BFN. it was weird cause i had actually started to convince myself that it had worked...like i just KNEW, you know? which clearly means nothing :). still no AF, but she may show in a day or two. i just really thought it was going to work!
i'm NOT as sad as last time, at all, which may be because the first time is harder? i'm definitely sad, not least of all because this would have been a baby that (theoretically) might look like DP! i was really liking that idea.
and now we may (also theoretically? :) move on to using the KD i mentioned a few posts back. i definitely want to keep trying--that is something i realized the other day through prayer. sometimes i really DON'T want to try anymore, i get sort of 'sour apples' as though i say to 'fertility' or to 'conception': fine! if you aren't going to play nice then i'm not going to play anymore! but there are many reasons this is ridiculous, not least of which is the fact that there isn't some great force of the universe against me or us or our family plans. it just statistically is hard to get pregnant so there aren't 800 billion people running around on the planet (as opposed to 7 billion), and that's they way it is, period. nothing personal! although it feels an awful lot like that sometimes.
anyways, my inherent spitefulness, plus the constant stress of waiting for a +OPK, then waiting for a BFP, hoping and symptom spotting and everything, makes it awfully tempting to stop trying. the trying process is NOT fun. but if i stop...i won't get my baby. and i miss my baby. of course she or he is worth it! this just isn't the ball o' joy that i may have thought it would be....but i think i got that now :)
come on AF, let's get this over with! and now to start doing research about KDs....
i'm NOT as sad as last time, at all, which may be because the first time is harder? i'm definitely sad, not least of all because this would have been a baby that (theoretically) might look like DP! i was really liking that idea.
and now we may (also theoretically? :) move on to using the KD i mentioned a few posts back. i definitely want to keep trying--that is something i realized the other day through prayer. sometimes i really DON'T want to try anymore, i get sort of 'sour apples' as though i say to 'fertility' or to 'conception': fine! if you aren't going to play nice then i'm not going to play anymore! but there are many reasons this is ridiculous, not least of which is the fact that there isn't some great force of the universe against me or us or our family plans. it just statistically is hard to get pregnant so there aren't 800 billion people running around on the planet (as opposed to 7 billion), and that's they way it is, period. nothing personal! although it feels an awful lot like that sometimes.
anyways, my inherent spitefulness, plus the constant stress of waiting for a +OPK, then waiting for a BFP, hoping and symptom spotting and everything, makes it awfully tempting to stop trying. the trying process is NOT fun. but if i stop...i won't get my baby. and i miss my baby. of course she or he is worth it! this just isn't the ball o' joy that i may have thought it would be....but i think i got that now :)
come on AF, let's get this over with! and now to start doing research about KDs....
Thursday, October 06, 2011
2dpi....i guess i'm officially accepting that i'm in the 2ww :)
yesterday i posted the lyrics to michael buble's 'haven't met you yet' after i read on another ttc blog that they were really quite apropos to our situation (which i totally agree to! being in your life is gonna change me....). and then on the way to pick esther up after class, i was listening to the radio and started hearing positive ttc messages in EVERY song! seriously! this used to happen to me back when i was in the thick of being an evagelical christian; any song that the author or singer actually meant to be about love for another human being, i could totally apply it to my relationship with God. just take ONE example, garth brooks' 'you move me'--
But you move me
You give me courage I didn't know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on
Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing and you
make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me
etc. just sayin....
so anyways, last night i was hearing "keep ttc hope alive" from every melody coming out of 100.3! a few samples:
-"when i see your face, there's not a thing that i would change" (even if 'you' are born after years and tons of procedures and expense and etc...i'm sure i'm going to think 'you're' absolutely perfect and be glad you were born when you were...)
-"i will survive" (this ttc process even when i think i'm down for the count...)
and following that same theme:
-"i get knocked down, but i get up again" (this would be the theme song of every CD1 upon af's arrival....)
happy hummin'! :)
p.s. in terms of actual ttc process updates, my temp did shoot up this morning so i'm thinking that in fact i did O yesterday, but who knows when. i've been trying to google "how many hours after O does temp spike?" but frankly am finding nothing but crap. apparently not many folk have asked this extremely specific question before :) but apparently the ladies at nw forum have convinced me to have hope still for this cycle, so i'm considering it :)
But you move me
You give me courage I didn't know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on
Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing and you
make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me
etc. just sayin....
so anyways, last night i was hearing "keep ttc hope alive" from every melody coming out of 100.3! a few samples:
-"when i see your face, there's not a thing that i would change" (even if 'you' are born after years and tons of procedures and expense and etc...i'm sure i'm going to think 'you're' absolutely perfect and be glad you were born when you were...)
-"i will survive" (this ttc process even when i think i'm down for the count...)
and following that same theme:
-"i get knocked down, but i get up again" (this would be the theme song of every CD1 upon af's arrival....)
happy hummin'! :)
p.s. in terms of actual ttc process updates, my temp did shoot up this morning so i'm thinking that in fact i did O yesterday, but who knows when. i've been trying to google "how many hours after O does temp spike?" but frankly am finding nothing but crap. apparently not many folk have asked this extremely specific question before :) but apparently the ladies at nw forum have convinced me to have hope still for this cycle, so i'm considering it :)
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
not sure how i feel right now.
yesterday did 2 IUIs, so was expecting to joyfully (though possibly frantically) enter the TWW today. instead, took my BBT this morning as usual and it went DOWN rather than up...leading me to believe i didn't actually ovulate yet and we may possibly have wasted those 2 vials i'd been waiting so long to use. also this is because I decided that we should insem earlier than last time, so i am frustrated that this is sort of my fault. except there was no way for me to know that this month would be different than the majority of other months, but whatever. geez.
it's 4 pm, and i've been through about a jillion emotional states already today. first i was sad (already convinced that it hadn't worked) but wanting to be positive about the experience. then i was just sad and wept a little bit (this was about the time i got to work and the receptionist wanted to know if i was alright....). then i posted on the nw forum, not sure if i really wanted to hear reasons it might work, because i can't decide if i want one small tortured hope for the next two weeks or if i'd rather just let it go. i got a FEW molecules of hope out of the responses to that and was thankful for that, but still really not thinking there is much chance. and now i'm back to remembering that we have the possibility of a KD!!. frankly i still don't know what our collective thoughts are on that nor how or if it would work, but last month i was grateful the opportunity presented itself just so i wouldn't feel like this was our absolute last try, and i want to get back to feeling that.
this morning esther texted me to say i should write in our baby blog about this week so we could have a rememberance of everything, and i didn't have the heart to respond telling her what i already 'know', that it isn't going to happen this month. sorry, sweetheart! here's hoping you don't read this for a few weeks until we both already know whatever there is to know.
in the meantime someone on the forum recommended the blog of a woman working her way through fertility treatments, and in one of her posts she made the remark that michael buble's song "haven't met you yet" has the absolute perfect lyrics for baby-wanting-but-not-yet-having:
"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet."
i don't want to give up! even when i want to give up! ha. this process is just seriously emotionally draining, you know? but i think i spent the better part of today realizing that, so starting now i really am going to turn my attention to KD and get excited about that :) november, here we come!!
it's 4 pm, and i've been through about a jillion emotional states already today. first i was sad (already convinced that it hadn't worked) but wanting to be positive about the experience. then i was just sad and wept a little bit (this was about the time i got to work and the receptionist wanted to know if i was alright....). then i posted on the nw forum, not sure if i really wanted to hear reasons it might work, because i can't decide if i want one small tortured hope for the next two weeks or if i'd rather just let it go. i got a FEW molecules of hope out of the responses to that and was thankful for that, but still really not thinking there is much chance. and now i'm back to remembering that we have the possibility of a KD!!. frankly i still don't know what our collective thoughts are on that nor how or if it would work, but last month i was grateful the opportunity presented itself just so i wouldn't feel like this was our absolute last try, and i want to get back to feeling that.
this morning esther texted me to say i should write in our baby blog about this week so we could have a rememberance of everything, and i didn't have the heart to respond telling her what i already 'know', that it isn't going to happen this month. sorry, sweetheart! here's hoping you don't read this for a few weeks until we both already know whatever there is to know.
in the meantime someone on the forum recommended the blog of a woman working her way through fertility treatments, and in one of her posts she made the remark that michael buble's song "haven't met you yet" has the absolute perfect lyrics for baby-wanting-but-not-yet-having:
"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.
But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet."
i don't want to give up! even when i want to give up! ha. this process is just seriously emotionally draining, you know? but i think i spent the better part of today realizing that, so starting now i really am going to turn my attention to KD and get excited about that :) november, here we come!!
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
finally IUI'd this morning!
and i mean FINALLY! i would burst into song about it, but maybe i should save that for our BFP :)
anyhow, we went in for an 8 a.m. IUI and have the second one tonight at 7:30. i got my +smiley yesterday at 4:30 so i'm happy with the timing (i know people suggest 24-36 hours past, but statistically, i've found that i more often seem to O the same day as a +test (at least when it's in the morning), so i wanted to do it earlier than last time. in fact the first go round is about the same as last time (16 hours past today, versus 15 hours past 7/30), but the second one we're doing with only a 11 hour gap instead of a 23 hour gap. anyway we'll see....
the health worker (the lovely roxi) was able to get the canula all the way into the U this time, yay, that made me feel awesome. and it was so easy and fast! plus she said she saw lots of fertile CM...which actually is making me doubt everything she says because i haven't seen ANY yet! haha....no, honestly, it would be awfully weird if she completely made that up, but i don't get why i haven't seen any! i've been checking for days at the correct times (TMI if you know what that means :) and it was creamy for a while, and yesterday and today nothing! could it be that it's SO incredibly EW that it's not even coming down to the outside world??
ok, WAY too much detail there. i just really want to see it. let's see if it shows its face (so to speak) today or tonight so i can feel more at ease about that.
and the TWW begins!!
anyhow, we went in for an 8 a.m. IUI and have the second one tonight at 7:30. i got my +smiley yesterday at 4:30 so i'm happy with the timing (i know people suggest 24-36 hours past, but statistically, i've found that i more often seem to O the same day as a +test (at least when it's in the morning), so i wanted to do it earlier than last time. in fact the first go round is about the same as last time (16 hours past today, versus 15 hours past 7/30), but the second one we're doing with only a 11 hour gap instead of a 23 hour gap. anyway we'll see....
the health worker (the lovely roxi) was able to get the canula all the way into the U this time, yay, that made me feel awesome. and it was so easy and fast! plus she said she saw lots of fertile CM...which actually is making me doubt everything she says because i haven't seen ANY yet! haha....no, honestly, it would be awfully weird if she completely made that up, but i don't get why i haven't seen any! i've been checking for days at the correct times (TMI if you know what that means :) and it was creamy for a while, and yesterday and today nothing! could it be that it's SO incredibly EW that it's not even coming down to the outside world??
ok, WAY too much detail there. i just really want to see it. let's see if it shows its face (so to speak) today or tonight so i can feel more at ease about that.
and the TWW begins!!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
my temps are confusing me.
as you, the faithful (imaginary?) reader know, i’ve been waiting a WHILE for this second attempt at IUI. we skipped last month because of late ovulation issues, and since that made the cycle that much longer, we have now officially gone two months since last IUI. and the idea is that hopefully the second one will be in the next couple of days here....
i’ve been feeling fairly positive about this one for some reason. not in the frenetic, overly-excited, chicken-with-its-head-cut-off way of last time; i think i need to be more calm and rational about this for my own mental health. but for some reason i’ve just been feeling good about it. not like women who just ‘KNOW they’re pregnant’, as that could feasibly be due to some change in their internal chemistry whereas i haven’t even insemmed yet, so there exists nothing that i could be ‘sensing’ yet. but i’m staying positive. maybe the fact that i know there’s another option if this doesn’t work (the aforementioned possible KD), although i have the vague feeling that we’re not going to need another option (careful, getting too optimistic??). also for the last few days (TMI warning!) my CM has been very creamy, more impressively so than usual–it just feels like it’s really gearing up, you know?
so of course there has to be a wrench thrown in the system somwhere. yesterday and today, my BBTs were above normal–they are around the range of my POST ovulation temps in previous months. how is that possible? it’s too early, i don’t have EWCM yet, and i don’t have a positive smiley yet. so what the heck. i thought yesterday was just a fluke, and then it kept going up today. ANNOYING! maybe it’s just because i wore a shirt to bed last night since it’s starting to get colder (and don't usually....)? i don’t know.....
p.s. i went to the alternative insemination group for the second time earlier this week and enjoyed it again. i’m still a little shy and wish i talked more, cause there really is SO much to talk about, but i always have this feeling that i don’t want to talk too much so i hold myself back. there were two pregnant couples (including the woman who leads the group), two couples who haven’t even started trying yet, and me. there were no snacks but it was the day i gave blood so I had some animal crackers :)
i’ve been feeling fairly positive about this one for some reason. not in the frenetic, overly-excited, chicken-with-its-head-cut-off way of last time; i think i need to be more calm and rational about this for my own mental health. but for some reason i’ve just been feeling good about it. not like women who just ‘KNOW they’re pregnant’, as that could feasibly be due to some change in their internal chemistry whereas i haven’t even insemmed yet, so there exists nothing that i could be ‘sensing’ yet. but i’m staying positive. maybe the fact that i know there’s another option if this doesn’t work (the aforementioned possible KD), although i have the vague feeling that we’re not going to need another option (careful, getting too optimistic??). also for the last few days (TMI warning!) my CM has been very creamy, more impressively so than usual–it just feels like it’s really gearing up, you know?
so of course there has to be a wrench thrown in the system somwhere. yesterday and today, my BBTs were above normal–they are around the range of my POST ovulation temps in previous months. how is that possible? it’s too early, i don’t have EWCM yet, and i don’t have a positive smiley yet. so what the heck. i thought yesterday was just a fluke, and then it kept going up today. ANNOYING! maybe it’s just because i wore a shirt to bed last night since it’s starting to get colder (and don't usually....)? i don’t know.....
p.s. i went to the alternative insemination group for the second time earlier this week and enjoyed it again. i’m still a little shy and wish i talked more, cause there really is SO much to talk about, but i always have this feeling that i don’t want to talk too much so i hold myself back. there were two pregnant couples (including the woman who leads the group), two couples who haven’t even started trying yet, and me. there were no snacks but it was the day i gave blood so I had some animal crackers :)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
so we haven't really considered using a KD much at all, for various reasons. frankly we don't know many men that we feel that close to, or respected enough to ask them to take on that role, etc. also, DP is hesitant because she's quite nervous that someday the dad would try and get custody. so we kind of danced around the idea a bit when having those "what are ALL our options" conversations but nothing beyond that.
meanwhile, recently we've been having TONS of unexpected expenses that have completely decimated our savings and any plans we have of TTC further, and after this month (for which we had already purchased the swim team) we were going to be forced to take an indefinite break of at least a year. this has been bumming me out significantly for the past month or so.
so this morning...i got a surprise email from some new friends of ours--the wife of the couple is a student with DP at seminary, and they came to our civil union earlier this year and are just generally cool, fun and wacky liberal people: they live in a co-op with like twenty other people, combined their last names when they got married--like, squished them together to form a new one, not combined them with a hyphen--and just recently they hosted a fundraiser for the homeless shelter where the husband works (he's a pastor) at a transgender bar. yeah....liberal : )
DP and the wife have been getting to be closer friends, and her first reaction this morning when we got the email is that maybe it's something we COULD think about (instead of just saying no like we had been previously to the idea of KD). i just think, no matter if we end up doing this or not, that it was such a sweet offer and really shows they are thinking of us and supporting us. but more than that, it totally opens up the possibility of continuing to try when i thought october was our absolute last shot!!! i'm not getting any younger : ), and the idea of having to wait a whole nother year just to TRY was quite depressing. and then this email shows up out of nowhere!!
plus, keeping in track with the post yesterday about gingers, the husband is a TOTAL red-head : ). love it!
meanwhile, recently we've been having TONS of unexpected expenses that have completely decimated our savings and any plans we have of TTC further, and after this month (for which we had already purchased the swim team) we were going to be forced to take an indefinite break of at least a year. this has been bumming me out significantly for the past month or so.
so this morning...i got a surprise email from some new friends of ours--the wife of the couple is a student with DP at seminary, and they came to our civil union earlier this year and are just generally cool, fun and wacky liberal people: they live in a co-op with like twenty other people, combined their last names when they got married--like, squished them together to form a new one, not combined them with a hyphen--and just recently they hosted a fundraiser for the homeless shelter where the husband works (he's a pastor) at a transgender bar. yeah....liberal : )
DP and the wife have been getting to be closer friends, and her first reaction this morning when we got the email is that maybe it's something we COULD think about (instead of just saying no like we had been previously to the idea of KD). i just think, no matter if we end up doing this or not, that it was such a sweet offer and really shows they are thinking of us and supporting us. but more than that, it totally opens up the possibility of continuing to try when i thought october was our absolute last shot!!! i'm not getting any younger : ), and the idea of having to wait a whole nother year just to TRY was quite depressing. and then this email shows up out of nowhere!!
plus, keeping in track with the post yesterday about gingers, the husband is a TOTAL red-head : ). love it!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
CD2!
so the looooooong wait is over and finally a new cycle is starting so we can try again! as you recall from reading my last post (which i wrote weeks ago but you may have just finished reading .7 seconds ago), my ovulation was way late last month. approximately one business week. meaning that by the time i got a +OPK (which i did finally get, at least!) it was our first morning in cleveland for the long labor day weekend, and my spermies were still back here at the clinic in chicago, so no insem for us last month. meaning i had to wait for the new cycle to use our lovely vials. and of course, since O was so late, my luteal phase (being a good luteal phase and staying at its same approximate length) didn't end until friday, CD34. a record for me!
we ended up paying the $100 "month-off" fee to the clinic, which they charge you if you skip a month so they can keep their budgeting vaguely on track. at first this was annoying but then i realized that it's basically covering a free month of storage, since they kept my swimmies and i didn't have to send them back to nw, pay a re-stocking fee, and then order them again this month. so totally worth it!
speaking of swimmies, i never talked about our new donor #! i actually forget what number it is, but the point is that it's the number one pick they sent us after doing photo matching to esther. this is exciting! now, we really did love our previous donor and were bummed when he ran out, but this new guy sounds cool in various ways. plus since he's not limited supply his samples are probably not as old. plus esther seems to feeling even more connected since choosing him was based on HER! (and will likely share at least some physical resemblence). i forget what else is cool about him but if he 'works' i would definitely buy the extended profile. fingers crossed!!!
if my O happens on or around my normal schedule, i would O around oct 2. i like the way this sounds just because i love fall--turning leaves, crisp air, cozy sweaters, and then the string of fun holidays in a row--halloween, my birthday, thanksgiving, heading on towards christmas.... and plus i now have an awesome new obsession: having a baby born on the 4th of july :P. this is just because i know so many other citizens of my dear country think we're the totally 'un-american' family, two women trying to make babies in a clear attempt to undermine the traditional american family...so i would just love to have the ALL american baby :). but obviously that's not really controllable so i will be perfectly find with a july 3rd of july 5th or june 27th baby, too!!
ok, about a week and a half until i start POAS again. i'm going to use them more sparingly this time because i really don't feel like buying another box, and i only have 7 left. that really should be enough if i do CD13, CD14, CD15, and then 2 each CD16 and 17. yesterday i was analyzing my patterns on fertility friend and in the majority of cases (4 out of 6 months--what is that, 66% of the time?) i get my temp rise the day immediately after my +OPK. meaning, most likely, that O happens the same day as +OPK (because your temp rises a certain amount of time--who knows how many hours exactly, but some--AFTER O, because it's the now-empty corpus luteum starting to release whatever hormone it is that makes your temp go up). meaning it would be better to do both insems that same day. or at least within 24 hours of it, if i get it in the evening. last time we did like 15 and 38 hours after +OPK, and i'd much rather do like 14 and 26 if i get a + in the evening before. and what if i get it in a morning as opposed to an evening test? i don't think they'll let me do it right away, so maybe 12 and 25? grr, i hate not knowing exactly what hour i O! i guess that's the point of the ultrasounds once you get to the point of using an RE...i wonder if they WOULD let me do it right away, if i explained this to them?
that reminds me i gotta call monday and let them know i started. and maybe ask for a discount this month?? :)
we ended up paying the $100 "month-off" fee to the clinic, which they charge you if you skip a month so they can keep their budgeting vaguely on track. at first this was annoying but then i realized that it's basically covering a free month of storage, since they kept my swimmies and i didn't have to send them back to nw, pay a re-stocking fee, and then order them again this month. so totally worth it!
speaking of swimmies, i never talked about our new donor #! i actually forget what number it is, but the point is that it's the number one pick they sent us after doing photo matching to esther. this is exciting! now, we really did love our previous donor and were bummed when he ran out, but this new guy sounds cool in various ways. plus since he's not limited supply his samples are probably not as old. plus esther seems to feeling even more connected since choosing him was based on HER! (and will likely share at least some physical resemblence). i forget what else is cool about him but if he 'works' i would definitely buy the extended profile. fingers crossed!!!
if my O happens on or around my normal schedule, i would O around oct 2. i like the way this sounds just because i love fall--turning leaves, crisp air, cozy sweaters, and then the string of fun holidays in a row--halloween, my birthday, thanksgiving, heading on towards christmas.... and plus i now have an awesome new obsession: having a baby born on the 4th of july :P. this is just because i know so many other citizens of my dear country think we're the totally 'un-american' family, two women trying to make babies in a clear attempt to undermine the traditional american family...so i would just love to have the ALL american baby :). but obviously that's not really controllable so i will be perfectly find with a july 3rd of july 5th or june 27th baby, too!!
ok, about a week and a half until i start POAS again. i'm going to use them more sparingly this time because i really don't feel like buying another box, and i only have 7 left. that really should be enough if i do CD13, CD14, CD15, and then 2 each CD16 and 17. yesterday i was analyzing my patterns on fertility friend and in the majority of cases (4 out of 6 months--what is that, 66% of the time?) i get my temp rise the day immediately after my +OPK. meaning, most likely, that O happens the same day as +OPK (because your temp rises a certain amount of time--who knows how many hours exactly, but some--AFTER O, because it's the now-empty corpus luteum starting to release whatever hormone it is that makes your temp go up). meaning it would be better to do both insems that same day. or at least within 24 hours of it, if i get it in the evening. last time we did like 15 and 38 hours after +OPK, and i'd much rather do like 14 and 26 if i get a + in the evening before. and what if i get it in a morning as opposed to an evening test? i don't think they'll let me do it right away, so maybe 12 and 25? grr, i hate not knowing exactly what hour i O! i guess that's the point of the ultrasounds once you get to the point of using an RE...i wonder if they WOULD let me do it right away, if i explained this to them?
that reminds me i gotta call monday and let them know i started. and maybe ask for a discount this month?? :)
Friday, September 02, 2011
this process is hilarious.
i ovulated! or at least, i probably will! just now, at T minus 2 hours from our departure from pittsburgh, i just got an enormous amount of EWCM. like, so much that i keep finding it on my hands even after i left the bathroom (gross, i know, but for purposes of demonstrating how much there was....)
of course this is CD20, doesn't mean ovulation will necessarily happen today or tomorrow (though likely), and it's TOO LATE to inseminate this month because of our trip! aside from this being SO incredibly frustrating...it's really quite funny!
at least now i don't have to be worried that something is wrong with me. it's quite clear that it was delayed because of stress. and now it's back. punto.
i will also be back, in a few days....
happy labor day!
of course this is CD20, doesn't mean ovulation will necessarily happen today or tomorrow (though likely), and it's TOO LATE to inseminate this month because of our trip! aside from this being SO incredibly frustrating...it's really quite funny!
at least now i don't have to be worried that something is wrong with me. it's quite clear that it was delayed because of stress. and now it's back. punto.
i will also be back, in a few days....
happy labor day!
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