oops....have i forgotten to blog for 4 years??

hello there world! not that anyone is reading this, but i've just spent the day reading blogs of other ttc or pregnant ladies (my boss didn't come today, nothing to do, just a normal day at the office...) so i'm feeling inspired to write again. i figure at some point someone will want to read about the details of our whole journey, even if it's just me during bed rest (god forbid!) or when our child graduates high school, or whatever.

so i think the last time i wrote we were in buenos aires and scouting out fertility options there. to make an exceedingly long story ridiculously short, we ended up staying in buenos aires until march 2010, when esther got her permanent residency visa to the u.s. through the diversity lottery system (major miracle!!) and we moved to chicago. we've been here a year now and love it!

we didn't make major headway towards Baby during our time in buenos aires, except right at the end i decided to get some testing done before i left my job there (the translation agency from hell) and lost my health insurance. so, we visited two fertility clinics for consultations (fecunditas in CF was awesome, kind, welcoming and helpful; the one in la plata not so much) and i got some blood work, an ultrasound, and a histerosalpingogram done. (that last one is apparently usually only done when there are fertility issues, which i didn't realize at the time, but it was covered and not TOO horrible, so no harm done). i forgot to go back and get the results of the blood work, but the other two tests seemed to give good results. it was shrotly after this that we made the move Up North.

so we got here and started trying to settle in to living in the states. i found work, esther started studying and teaching spanish lessons on the side, we began a search for a church (still ongoing), etc. as the year started to pull to a close for some reason we both started thinking about babies again, independently of each other. when we realized this one night, we decided to take some time to think about it again individually, and then have a good, thick conversation about it after the new year. i realize this was all me, wanting to make plans and set dates and all that jazz, but esther goodnaturedly went along with it.

i did bundles of research and got books from the library and scoured websites and quizzed a friend at work who had a baby a few months back. i had a good list of questions which i ran by acquaintances such as "why do human beings want to reproduce?" and came to some satisfying conclusions myself (thanks in large part to the ladies of lj's ttc_lesbians group). after esther and i talked in january, mostly about the practicals like 1.) who would carry, 2.) how exactly we would inseminate, 3.) health insurance coverage, and 4.) how in the blazes we would be able to afford a baby on essentially my income [the answers to these questions are: 1.) me; 2.) probably just ICI or IUI with anonymous donor sperm even though we would have preferred to combine her eggs with my uterus or vice versa but it's far too prohibitively expensive; 3.) my bluecross blueshield through my current employer is actually a pretty awesome plan covering all pre-natal and delivery costs except for one $20 co-pay at the first OB visit, and $100 per day in the hospital, though literally nothing after the baby is born so i'm counting on IL All Kids for that; and 4.) i have no idea! every so often i'll suddenly think to myself, we can't afford kids! i mean, we can, but i'll have to work 3 jobs and i'll never see the baby! but then i respond reassuringly: 'so the heck what?? i'm having this thing!' and i think we're sticking with that for now].

so then we 'got started'! starting in january, i started taking a pre-natal with dinner every night, charting my BBT (basal body temp, or waking temp), using OPKs every month (ovluation predictor kits) and (TMI alert) charting my cevical fluid. [for those of you wondering why the heck so much prep, the answer is that when you're going about this with frozen, then thawed, donor sperm, you have a much smaller window of fertility each month and in order to make the best use of that time, you have to get to know your body well enough to confidently know which day (if not hour) you are ovluating. it's also been a really fun process to learn everything my uterus and hormones do each month--i had no idea! i'm very proud of them and absolutely glow with joy each month (around cycle day 16ish) when i get my fertile cervical fluid!]

i also did a crap load of research regarding what hospital/medical providers we might want to use, and through a serendipitous viewing of "the business of being born" (thanks for the suggestion, netflix!) heavily started leaning towards water birth or at the very least NOT any birth that would have me tied down to the bed by IV lines, and thus found a particular hospital in our area that met these criteria and through them, a specific midwife group. we've been there once to have the preliminary conversation (and also have a pap smear and a test for...um....some childhood disease that i couldn't remember if i'd had or not? clearly it didn't leave a lasting impression on me, but in any case, i am immune to it, yay.). they were just as nice and wonderful as i expected them to be (all their reviews on yelp said things like "i live 40 minutes away driving and it was totally worth it to make that commute every week, or more often, in my last weeks of pregnancy") and totally answered all our questions. the particular midwife i spoke to didn't have tons of experience with the insemination process (she usually just seems folks after they get pregnant :) but promised to look into the questions i had about that and see if she could find answers, including whether or not they could do insemination right there. turns out they can, which she informed me of a couple days later during the phone call to tell me my pap was fine, but she also suggested another place i had also recently heard about, which was specifically founded to provide fertility services to LGBTQ folk.

bringing us to the actual act of Getting Pregnant. don't get excited, we're not there yet! but we're on our way. the books all recommended i chart for 3 months, which i did, and now we're going on vacation to paraguay in may, so i'm not going to inseminate right this second. we're going to wait until we come back (i'll likely be ovulating right around our return date) and then chart for one more full cycle to make sure things are still going on about the same timeline. which means trying to insemination around the end of july. that will be our Cycle #1!

in the meantime, once we get back from paraguay, i'd like to make an appointment to go visit that LGBTQ fertility clinic and set that in motion. also, we have to decide where we're going to get our little swimmers from. there was a very affordable option right here in chicago, but it actually shut down amidst much confusion and drama about a month or two ago. so this has changed the budget quite a bit--the next least expensive option is only about $50 more per vial, but it's in seattle, adding on about $150 in shipping each time we inseminate. so we may not be able to afford to do this every month, but we're just going with the philosophy of trying whenever we can, then waiting while we save up again. it's quite usual for it to take many tries (although it's suggested to seek professional advice if you've tried 6 cycles with no result) so i definitely have the mindset that we're in for the long haul. still really, really exciting :)

meanwhile a billion of my friends are pregnant (or does it just feel like that many?) so i want to avoid getting pregnant out of jealousy, but thankfully we went through this whole 'thinking it out' process before this sudden wave. i wish them all well :), and am trying to learn from them....

p.s. we have the absolute most perfect names picked out already! they will most definitely be a secret, however, as i can't have anyone stealing them like rachel does to monica in friends.

i haven't posted anything in forever! now that i have this site linked on facebook, i feel like i should!

nothing is really going on in the baby realm, other than continually thinking and praying. we are honestly held back at the moment by practical concerns (money, deciding country of citizenship, etc) and suddenly i can appreciate that even transcendental momentous supernatural things like the creation of life also interact with the daily practical. though on the other hand, i can always remember my former boss (when i was in ministry) saying in response to why he had so many darn kids (5 at the time i last spoke to them..i think the parents were 34-ish?): "you always think there's no more money, and then you stretch it a little more and see that--there is. i want to see how many kids i can feed on the amount of money i make!"

not that he was actively trying to overpopulate the planet or anything, or that i would follow his example. just another way of looking at it that seems to imply that you can choose to NOT let the daily practical things have as much power as you think they must.

we have talked about it on and off over the weeks. i think i may have gotten esther to sway just a tiny bit on the issue of names :), and i've re-considered just using one of our sets of reproductive equipment, instead of trying to combine both. both are still options, just trying to make the right decision.

it's still happening though, people. unless the Lord takes us home first :)

i have four friends who are pregnant right now! can you believe that? i pray for them daily. ah, and several more that recently gave birth. Lord help me not want kids just to be like the joneses. wouldn't that be just the most horrible thing ever? it seemed to work well for ana (ref: 1 samuel), but i'm so not wanting to be her...at least in that sense.

so i was reading about picking sperm donors on some other lovely blogs about ttc, and i was thinking to myself, what would the absolute ideal situation be? i know there are pros and cons to known donor versus anonymous, but i think my ideal would be a close friend, who could be a part (even a "friend" part) of the child's life. i picture us being the two moms, but the friend living in at least the same city, us going on picnics together once in a while, maybe even going to church together. the friend would not have to be a dad at all, but he would have the privilege of being a friend. isn't that lovely?

we've actually had a few friends mention their desire to be sperm donors, and i doubt that any of these friends would later try to gain custody or anything like those other horror stories. the thing is, though...i'm not super IMPRESSED by any of these people. is that horrible? i don't find them particularly handsome or intelligent or inspiring. how sad! i don't mean to say that our friends are not wonderful people! i just am not ATTRACTED to any of their qualities such that i would like to live with them as a family. which is how the heterosexual community picks its procreative mates, so why should i be any different?

i was trying to think of who i would choose out of all the people i know, who most impresses me, to be a co-parent of my child. and would you believe i could only think of women?? i swear i am not an anti-man kind of a gal...i just apparently know an awful lot of wonderful women. i'd pay for some of becky's sperm, for example, if she had any. getting some of ashlee's would mean my kid would be beautiful AND incredibly smart. michael's (yes, she is a girl) would help create an artistic, adventuresome, wondrous spirit. and on and on.

again, i know this sounds like some kind of "brave new world" pick the qualities you want in your kid kind of thing...but let's face it, that's essentially what we're doing when we decide who to flirt with! and thus, the main point of this post is--that thank goodness whosever sperm i eventually buy, half of that wonderful child will be e's.

i've found at least one person who summarily impresses me :)

by the way, yes, baby making plans are still on the list. we have made it our first priority to get our own apartment, and as soon as that's crossed off, to start saving up everything extra for babying. i am pretty positive about this. the translation-sellin' business is a dog-eat-dog world, but time heals all wounds. or something. anyhow i have started to make commission, and though last month brought in a total of only $44, it's a beginning.

i think i've essentially decided in my mind which fertility clinic i like the best. i wonder if e is in agreement?

gotta run go get laundry.

today we received a phone call from a representative from one of the clinics asking if we were ready to make an appointment for a first consult...and wondering if we were serious about this and if not, to stop wasting their time.

!!!

i have no idea if that person is homophobic or just stupid, but Plenitas Clinic is now off the list.

emails galore.

all progress in the current stage seems to be electronic. and really, how much feeling can one show over email? thus, we are not currently experiencing lovely bonding moments with doctors or secretaries that i've read about on other blogs. it's ok, though.

we continue to get responses from various clinics (except the one who said "no anonymous donors" has NOT written back with a good excuse yet...). they seem to be pretty ridiculously varied in price, which surprised me. i've currently gotout a round of clarifying emails: "when you told us that price, was it in US dollars or argentine pesos?" the pesos is about 3.09 to the dollar, so it'll make a difference!

yesterday a friend from church forwarded us an article from the biggest national newspaper....about lesbians using fertility clinics! how about that!! it quoted the head of one of the clinics we've been writing to as saying that he gets about 10 or so lesbian couples a month seeking more information. of course, he added, they come in saying they're friends, that the wanna-be mother is single, etc. but you figure it out eventually.

i just think that's amazing, that that article appeared just now. also, it gave us a couple of leads for other clinics...

so we're actually making (excruciatingly slow) progress on this whole thing. we got back several emails from the different clinics we wrote to this week, and are waiting to find out the price of the first consult for three of them. only one has said a definite "no" (the others said yes, we just don't know all their costs...), and gave their reasoning as "we only do egg donation when the donor is anonymous." why this might be? i have no idea. it could be anti-lesbianism (is that a phrase??), or it could be something else. i would have written them a slightly snarky email trying to get them to own up to it, but luckily esther wrote the reply. we shall see if they feel like offering more details.

what's next??

i just realized that becky and margot commented back a week or so ago, and how exciting is that! i didn't figure anyone would actually read this...here's hoping they come back to see the answers to their questions. and that becky starts her own freaking blog someday!

why not just buy sperm? seriously, i totally get that it would be WAY cheaper. yes. but we are totally enamored of the idea of both being a major part of this person's conception. i realize that one of us (not sure who yet) will not be contributing chromosomes, but they will be giving much uterine time and energy and nutrition, as well as most likely, the boob.

who? not sure yet :) we both want to; we both see that there would be some advatages to having it be mine to get instant u.s. citizenship; but it's such a delicate issue that i'm hoping the doctor will decide for us. she thinks she's already decided to let me get pregnant, but i know how badly she also wants it, so for me, the decision won't be made super easily.

i don't know if we'll do this twice and both get to try pregnancy. that would be the ideal, but we don't have that kind of cash. and i feel bad enough about overpopulation already. thoughts?

this morning we had a fight about baby names. can you believe that? we haven’t talked to a fertility specialist, cracked open a book, or measured a single temperature, and yet we managed to fight about NAMES. for a human being who is probably a few years away from existing. do you think that’s a bad sign?

really, our fight was more about our personality flaws than the actual names. i want to get my way at all costs, and she tends to assume the worst. what the heck else is new. of course in this particular altercation i have my defenses prepared and could explain to you why i think i wasn’t in the wrong…but isn’t that what EVERY fight is like? who ever fights about how the other person is RIGHT?

i will refrain from posting about said names until they are less polemic (the poor kid’s 3^rd grade year?)

not much else had been happening on the baby front. we were waiting to hear back from the one clinic we actually managed to speak to, as their doctor was supposedly out of the country until march 18^th. monday we got a call from “federico” asking if we wanted to set up an appointment. what happened to nadia? she was the nice lady that called the first time and spoke to esther for half an hour and asked good questions and all that..where is nadia?? according to esther, federico was nice as well, but apparently i’m already hyper-sensitive about things like this. sigh.

we’re considering whether or not to make that appointment for a consult. if it’s really expensive, i’m going to go with “no,” but if it’s not too much, it might not be a bad idea to go ahead and spend a few bucks on that, to actually have a moment to lay our thoughts down before a professional and have him or her react to them. you know?

this morning we did some more web searching and filled in info forms for three more clinics. i should go and check esther’s email and see if anyone wrote back….

…nope, nothing yet.

existential adoption angst.

on the bus ride to and from work, i've started reading a new book. (it's not a very long ride, but a good book is worth snatching bits and pieces of whenever you can.) i really am more of a non-fiction fan than anything else, and i've recently started the sins of scripture by john shelby spong. you probably remember the name; i remember back when i was "in the fold" automatically thinking he was a heretic without ever actually reading the book, and now i like reading him and being discerning. isn't that a good word? instead of prejudiced.

so anyhow, this particular book is about how particular bible verses have been used way out of context and have had harmful effects rather than positive ones. i'm still in the first section, which turns out to be about the environment. and the first chapter? focuses on being fruitful and multiplying. his point is, essentially, that a mandate that had a purpose when humanity/the jewish people were just starting out, has lost its immediate context, and thus can't be blindly applied anymore. in actuality, he claims, using excellently researched and chillingly scary numbers, one very important thing we can do right now for the earth, nature, and humanity is CURB population growth.

bethany asked me today why we don't just adopt. (she was being curious, not judgemental). the answer is that i think we will, and that we'd like to try both, but that we'd love to be biologically involved and create something together at least once. stated that way, these aren't sinister desires. but up against population density statistics and al-gore-type environmental truths...don't i just feel like the only decent thing to do is adopt. ouch.

i promise to pray about this, but this is going to be one of those prayers that severely test my ability to be humble.