my temps are confusing me.

as you, the faithful (imaginary?) reader know, i’ve been waiting a WHILE for this second attempt at IUI. we skipped last month because of late ovulation issues, and since that made the cycle that much longer, we have now officially gone two months since last IUI. and the idea is that hopefully the second one will be in the next couple of days here....

i’ve been feeling fairly positive about this one for some reason. not in the frenetic, overly-excited, chicken-with-its-head-cut-off way of last time; i think i need to be more calm and rational about this for my own mental health. but for some reason i’ve just been feeling good about it. not like women who just ‘KNOW they’re pregnant’, as that could feasibly be due to some change in their internal chemistry whereas i haven’t even insemmed yet, so there exists nothing that i could be ‘sensing’ yet. but i’m staying positive. maybe the fact that i know there’s another option if this doesn’t work (the aforementioned possible KD), although i have the vague feeling that we’re not going to need another option (careful, getting too optimistic??). also for the last few days (TMI warning!) my CM has been very creamy, more impressively so than usual–it just feels like it’s really gearing up, you know?

so of course there has to be a wrench thrown in the system somwhere. yesterday and today, my BBTs were above normal–they are around the range of my POST ovulation temps in previous months. how is that possible? it’s too early, i don’t have EWCM yet, and i don’t have a positive smiley yet. so what the heck. i thought yesterday was just a fluke, and then it kept going up today. ANNOYING! maybe it’s just because i wore a shirt to bed last night since it’s starting to get colder (and don't usually....)? i don’t know.....

p.s. i went to the alternative insemination group for the second time earlier this week and enjoyed it again. i’m still a little shy and wish i talked more, cause there really is SO much to talk about, but i always have this feeling that i don’t want to talk too much so i hold myself back. there were two pregnant couples (including the woman who leads the group), two couples who haven’t even started trying yet, and me. there were no snacks but it was the day i gave blood so I had some animal crackers :)

so we haven't really considered using a KD much at all, for various reasons. frankly we don't know many men that we feel that close to, or respected enough to ask them to take on that role, etc. also, DP is hesitant because she's quite nervous that someday the dad would try and get custody. so we kind of danced around the idea a bit when having those "what are ALL our options" conversations but nothing beyond that.

meanwhile, recently we've been having TONS of unexpected expenses that have completely decimated our savings and any plans we have of TTC further, and after this month (for which we had already purchased the swim team) we were going to be forced to take an indefinite break of at least a year. this has been bumming me out significantly for the past month or so.

so this morning...i got a surprise email from some new friends of ours--the wife of the couple is a student with DP at seminary, and they came to our civil union earlier this year and are just generally cool, fun and wacky liberal people: they live in a co-op with like twenty other people, combined their last names when they got married--like, squished them together to form a new one, not combined them with a hyphen--and just recently they hosted a fundraiser for the homeless shelter where the husband works (he's a pastor) at a transgender bar. yeah....liberal : )

DP and the wife have been getting to be closer friends, and her first reaction this morning when we got the email is that maybe it's something we COULD think about (instead of just saying no like we had been previously to the idea of KD). i just think, no matter if we end up doing this or not, that it was such a sweet offer and really shows they are thinking of us and supporting us. but more than that, it totally opens up the possibility of continuing to try when i thought october was our absolute last shot!!! i'm not getting any younger : ), and the idea of having to wait a whole nother year just to TRY was quite depressing. and then this email shows up out of nowhere!!

plus, keeping in track with the post yesterday about gingers, the husband is a TOTAL red-head : ). love it!

CD2!

so the looooooong wait is over and finally a new cycle is starting so we can try again! as you recall from reading my last post (which i wrote weeks ago but you may have just finished reading .7 seconds ago), my ovulation was way late last month. approximately one business week. meaning that by the time i got a +OPK (which i did finally get, at least!) it was our first morning in cleveland for the long labor day weekend, and my spermies were still back here at the clinic in chicago, so no insem for us last month. meaning i had to wait for the new cycle to use our lovely vials. and of course, since O was so late, my luteal phase (being a good luteal phase and staying at its same approximate length) didn't end until friday, CD34. a record for me!

we ended up paying the $100 "month-off" fee to the clinic, which they charge you if you skip a month so they can keep their budgeting vaguely on track. at first this was annoying but then i realized that it's basically covering a free month of storage, since they kept my swimmies and i didn't have to send them back to nw, pay a re-stocking fee, and then order them again this month. so totally worth it!

speaking of swimmies, i never talked about our new donor #! i actually forget what number it is, but the point is that it's the number one pick they sent us after doing photo matching to esther. this is exciting! now, we really did love our previous donor and were bummed when he ran out, but this new guy sounds cool in various ways. plus since he's not limited supply his samples are probably not as old. plus esther seems to feeling even more connected since choosing him was based on HER! (and will likely share at least some physical resemblence). i forget what else is cool about him but if he 'works' i would definitely buy the extended profile. fingers crossed!!!

if my O happens on or around my normal schedule, i would O around oct 2. i like the way this sounds just because i love fall--turning leaves, crisp air, cozy sweaters, and then the string of fun holidays in a row--halloween, my birthday, thanksgiving, heading on towards christmas.... and plus i now have an awesome new obsession: having a baby born on the 4th of july :P. this is just because i know so many other citizens of my dear country think we're the totally 'un-american' family, two women trying to make babies in a clear attempt to undermine the traditional american family...so i would just love to have the ALL american baby :). but obviously that's not really controllable so i will be perfectly find with a july 3rd of july 5th or june 27th baby, too!!

ok, about a week and a half until i start POAS again. i'm going to use them more sparingly this time because i really don't feel like buying another box, and i only have 7 left. that really should be enough if i do CD13, CD14, CD15, and then 2 each CD16 and 17. yesterday i was analyzing my patterns on fertility friend and in the majority of cases (4 out of 6 months--what is that, 66% of the time?) i get my temp rise the day immediately after my +OPK. meaning, most likely, that O happens the same day as +OPK (because your temp rises a certain amount of time--who knows how many hours exactly, but some--AFTER O, because it's the now-empty corpus luteum starting to release whatever hormone it is that makes your temp go up). meaning it would be better to do both insems that same day. or at least within 24 hours of it, if i get it in the evening. last time we did like 15 and 38 hours after +OPK, and i'd much rather do like 14 and 26 if i get a + in the evening before. and what if i get it in a morning as opposed to an evening test? i don't think they'll let me do it right away, so maybe 12 and 25? grr, i hate not knowing exactly what hour i O! i guess that's the point of the ultrasounds once you get to the point of using an RE...i wonder if they WOULD let me do it right away, if i explained this to them?

that reminds me i gotta call monday and let them know i started. and maybe ask for a discount this month?? :)

this process is hilarious.

i ovulated! or at least, i probably will! just now, at T minus 2 hours from our departure from pittsburgh, i just got an enormous amount of EWCM. like, so much that i keep finding it on my hands even after i left the bathroom (gross, i know, but for purposes of demonstrating how much there was....)

of course this is CD20, doesn't mean ovulation will necessarily happen today or tomorrow (though likely), and it's TOO LATE to inseminate this month because of our trip! aside from this being SO incredibly frustrating...it's really quite funny!

at least now i don't have to be worried that something is wrong with me. it's quite clear that it was delayed because of stress. and now it's back. punto.

i will also be back, in a few days....

happy labor day!

impressively complicated.

wow...has this cycle ever thrown me for a loop!

the only main issue for the last several weeks has been money; do we have enough to buy swimmies this month?/looks like we do, order!/ups, some unexpected expenses come out so we didn't really, but now it's too late so that's what credit cards are for/(repeat this same experience of random expenses appearing about 3 or 4 more times over the course of one day)/juggle the numbers and dates around enough to make it actually totally financially fine for this month--this just as of this morning, and how impressed am i!!

but in the midst of this, my +OPKs are eluding me. and this taking into account that i've been testing like 4 times a day (which also implies holding it in for many hours a day and night! yeesh :) for several days now. it's starting to feel so late that i started assuming that the financial stress was delaying ovulation...which was my theory until i started feeling that financial stress (or any other undetected cause) has completely CANCELLED ovulation and that we just won't have a go at it this month. there's still a part of me that doesn't think this and says "of COURSE it'll come! just wait!" but we are already halfway into CD18 (read: 2 of today's 4 POASs come and gone!) and i'm not buying it so much anymore. and of course we're going out of town friday night for labor day so there is no "wait forever" option--it's either happening in the next two days or it's not happening this month.

which brings me to the OTHER fun (slash horribly stressful) thing that happened this month. last night i got an automated email from UPS saying that the dewar had been picked up and was on its way back to spokane. and i'm like, (and here i quote): WHAT. it was like 9 at night and way too late to call my health clinic and i was SO confused and worried that since they never heard from me (that would be me not calling them because i still hadn't gotten my surge) they decided i didn't really care or had skipped town or what have you, and just sent it back! i left a message for them last night (which in my opinion sounded totally normal considering the height of confusion that i was actually at) and they called me back today to say, essentially, 'no, silly.' they told me that as soon as they get the shipment (i.e. last thursday morning) they transfer the vials to their own deep freeze and this is just them sending the dewar back as normally scheduled, but they still have my guys. and can keep them there til next month if there is no O in august. so there.

so there, really! no loss of swimmers. all money issues basically resolved. a fun trip this weekend to pittsburgh. and if it doesn't happen in the next two days and we have to wait to inseminate until next round, the gift (??) of being able to obsess about TTC for one extra month this year :). (cause this is definitely the last try this year).

but talk about your montañas rusas!!!!!!!!!!! ('roller coaster' in spanish.....cliched term but more true than i can possibly explain.)

really? not yet?

Today is CD 17 and so far...nothing. I mean, it’s not a HUGE deal, because I’ve had ovulation in previous months as late as CD 19 (although that seemed like a fluke, but still), as well as CD 15, 16, and 17. So clearly I’m not overly predictable. But this is still annoying. The tank with my swimmies arrived last Thursday so if I don’t get my smiley by tomorrow morning, I’m going to call CWHC and ask their advice about what to do. Keeping the tank and paying a late fee (I think $15 per day?) is NOT a big deal at all and totally worth it, but the question is, how many days longer will the deep freeze hold? And also, what if I don’t O at ALL this cycle–how do they deal with that? (Like, does the clinic have a way of keeping it there for one month til next cycle? Or do they not have their own freezing method, but we could refill the tank and keep that? Or do we send it back and pay for shipping again next month for the same exact vials? Yecchh.). Also, let’s say I DO ovulate this cycle, but for kicks it happens on CD 20 (which isn’t completely out of the realm of possibility since it’s happened before on CD19. Well guess what. Starting CD20 we’re going out of town for the long labor day weekend....great! In that case I would also want to contemplate insemming anyway , maybe as late as possible before we leave town, just to give it a shot, because you never know. BUT maybe that's a horrible idea and a total waste of swimmies if this is an anovulatory cycle. so...these are the things I’ll ask them tomorrow and see what their sage advice is. I guess I could also call NW and ask them.

I’m pretty convinced that my Oing is delayed this month because of stress over finances. Awesome. How much does it suck that this process is one that needs you to be essentially worry-free for all internal processes to go normally, yet it organically creates its own worries (money, health, conception, you name it). You’re hilarious, universe!!!

:P

just posted over at lj's 2mommies' monday update.

i'm waiting (very impatiently i might add) to ovulate so i can use my swimmers that already arrived at my clinic LAST THURSDAY! sheesh. of course i feel like it's taking forever when it's only about one half day later than my average +OPK (and i've had some much later in the cycle too, so i need to get over it).

in the meantime i'm pouring (poring? poreing?) over my fertility friend charts to try and figure out if i should insem earlier than last time (14 and 37 hours past +OPK). that schedule was based on what my health worker suggested but since that second one was done on the day my temp shot up, i'd rather get both in before that if at all possible...

always something to obsess about :)

swimmers.

according to UPS, my little guys just got to the clinic! i’m taking it as a good sign that it got there so early (supposedly by 10:36 this morning) when last time it took ALL DAY to get there on the projected day of delivery. i’m still not probably going to need them for several more days so it doesn’t matter a great deal; it’s just nice to have them just in case. feels like the next step, like the process is still going, you know? also dp, when she was packing early this morning to go on her orientation retreat for her seminary, found some extra OPKs in her toiletries bag so i’m good to go to start testing a couple times a day (i have another box waiting for me to pick it up at the post office, but no time to go get it yet....).

it’s interesting ruminating on my feelings this time. first of all, it’s strange that it could change SO much for one month to the next, but it really did. i’m not obsessively, excitedly checking UPS every 4 seconds or passionately examining my OPK lines with eagerness and devotion. i know some people, after TTC for years and it being an incredibly difficult experience, say they’re not going to get excited–so why did i get here to that same place (of non-excitement) so quickly, after just ONE bfn cycle? maybe it’s because i know this is our last go for a while (for economic reasons). at first this was very depressing to me, that if this doesn’t work we can’t try again for at least a year (which frankly is a LONG time when we were so ready....). now i think i really feel ok about it, just because...you kinda have to. like, there isn’t any other way i can twist the numbers to make it work for another month...i just can’t. so there. and maybe my emotions got the hint and decided it wasn’t worth it to be stressed out and despondent and angsty about it since it wasn’t going to accomplish anything doing so. i guess that’s a good thing! i don’t particularly mind not being jittery and ridiculously excited like i was this time last month, and i LOVE not being depressed and in the depths of disappointment. so i’ll take it, I guess :)

one other TTC note–we did attend our first alternative insemination support group earlier this week at chicago women’s health clinic (where we’re doing our IUIs). there were 2 couples, a SMBC, and the group leader, and i actually really liked it (i apparently like all things granola, hippy and feministy–who knew? :) dp won’t be able to attend further meetings because it meets one tuesday a month and she has a night class tuesdays (intro to pastoral care, i believe :)) but i’ll probably keep going and thoroughly enjoying myself. i love communities, whatever size, shape or color.

p.s. i just did the math (not because i’m that obsessed, but rather because i’m SO BORED at work) and it looks like we’d have everything else paid off and some extra cash ready to start again in around may of next year. so not an ENTIRE year of waiting, just nine months or so. oh! nine months! how ironic :)

TTC #2, CD3.

I feel like I should update before I forget all my feelings about this cycle...

Probably obvious by now that we did NOT get pregnant this month. It was QUITE the whirlwind of emotions, thank you very much, and I am actually feeling much better now, but this weekend was hell on wheels.

I was planning to test on Friday morning, but as a good little trooper, I was still taking my temperature every day before getting up. Meaning that I took it Thursday night/Friday morning at about 3 am, because that’s what time I woke up to pee. Meaning that starting at 3 a.m., when I realized I wasn’t pregnant thanks to the colossal dip in temp, I was lying in bed quietly weeping. Esther woke up about 5 and I told her and we hugged, and I really did know it was all going to be alright (you just a mourning period, you know?). But I still couldn’t fall back asleep until about 7 am, which meant a nice half hour nap before getting up for work. Which is why esther convinced me to stay home from work Friday :)

it ended up being a fine day–we went out to our favorite restaurant for dinner (what up, amish country!!) and spent some time being peaceful at a park after dusk in elkhart. I much enjoyed it. But then on Saturday things went completely down the tubes again after I got an email from one of my bosses (I have various jobs) that made me feel completely deflated. Also, it guaranteed a cut in my hours at work, which also caused severe emotional distress as it made it seemingly impossible to try again this month. And we’ve only tried once! How can I get all geared up and chart for months and make plans and place orders and join forums and then only try ONCE??

The upshot (3 days later) is that things are settling down at work to a place where it looks like I’ll get my hours back (though I’m not sure if I want them yet, after the disagreeableness of the incident), esther’s spanish business is really taking off, and we know there are other options out there. Plus I ran the numbers assuming my hours would be cut and we can still afford to do this one more time :)

after that we really should stop or else I’m not going to have any time to save up for paying my taxes come the end of the year. Sad but true. I also think I won’t be quite as shattered this time if we get another BFN because a)it won’t be the first time and 2)it’s not the Absolute Last Vial of our favorite donor. Which last month’s was. But, as I said...I think we’re getting over it. Feeling better. WANTING to press ahead and NOT GIVE UP!!!

Because this really is something I want with my whole heart.

p.s. northwest is taking a few days to photo match esther to donors and i can't wait to see what they come up with!! either way i'm still leaning towards 599 because i truly love his essay :), but we shall see...

today.

12 dpi...
all my ‘symptoms’ that I was already questioning have completely disappeared (felt them from 3dpi through about 7 dpi, they were definitely there, but wasn’t sure if they were relevant at all)...
af could show up any day now (technically the earliest she’s ever shown up is CD29, which would be tomorrow, but I’m already on my guard)...
tested way earlier this week just because it was our anniversary and it was negative, though it would have been fairly early to get a positive, and I haven’t tested again yet....
and I’m actually getting to that place where I’m like, “just show up already!”

I read other ladies saying that on the boards over the past week and I didn’t believe it; I thought to myself, ‘you’re just saying that so you won’t keep having false hopes after a couple of BFNs, because while it is still POSSIBLE, time is ticking away and since it’s more likely that af will come, want it to just happen already.’ But now I’m starting to get it....you’re almost (ALmost) over the mourning period for this month already. That seems weird, because you don’t even know for sure that it didn’t work, but since you (slash I :) have been obsessing about it ALL DAY LONG for at least 12 days now (if not more), you’ve run through the gamut of emotions and truly feel like you’re ready to accept this month’s result and get to trying for next time. Plus you really do wish that if it’s not going to happen, that you can confirm that, because it’s this flimsy hope that really kills ya....

My plan is to test again Sunday morning (15dpi) if af doesn’t show up before then, and one last time weds morning if af doesn’t show up before then. The window of opportunity for af to normally show up in would be between tomorrow (Friday) and Tuesday. That’s a freaking annoyingly large window. But I kind of feel like I have some af symptoms already....drat. I guess the first sign I would (normally) see is a temp drop at one to two days before af....so that’s even more cheery–I’ll know it didn’t work at 5 in the morning while staring bleary-eyed at a thermometer with the light from my cell phone while dp sleeps beside me. I already know I won’t wake her up to tell her.