and on to KD....?

tested tonight and got a BFN. it was weird cause i had actually started to convince myself that it had worked...like i just KNEW, you know? which clearly means nothing :). still no AF, but she may show in a day or two. i just really thought it was going to work!

i'm NOT as sad as last time, at all, which may be because the first time is harder? i'm definitely sad, not least of all because this would have been a baby that (theoretically) might look like DP! i was really liking that idea.

and now we may (also theoretically? :) move on to using the KD i mentioned a few posts back. i definitely want to keep trying--that is something i realized the other day through prayer. sometimes i really DON'T want to try anymore, i get sort of 'sour apples' as though i say to 'fertility' or to 'conception': fine! if you aren't going to play nice then i'm not going to play anymore! but there are many reasons this is ridiculous, not least of which is the fact that there isn't some great force of the universe against me or us or our family plans. it just statistically is hard to get pregnant so there aren't 800 billion people running around on the planet (as opposed to 7 billion), and that's they way it is, period. nothing personal! although it feels an awful lot like that sometimes.

anyways, my inherent spitefulness, plus the constant stress of waiting for a +OPK, then waiting for a BFP, hoping and symptom spotting and everything, makes it awfully tempting to stop trying. the trying process is NOT fun. but if i stop...i won't get my baby. and i miss my baby. of course she or he is worth it! this just isn't the ball o' joy that i may have thought it would be....but i think i got that now :)

come on AF, let's get this over with! and now to start doing research about KDs....

2dpi....i guess i'm officially accepting that i'm in the 2ww :)

yesterday i posted the lyrics to michael buble's 'haven't met you yet' after i read on another ttc blog that they were really quite apropos to our situation (which i totally agree to! being in your life is gonna change me....). and then on the way to pick esther up after class, i was listening to the radio and started hearing positive ttc messages in EVERY song! seriously! this used to happen to me back when i was in the thick of being an evagelical christian; any song that the author or singer actually meant to be about love for another human being, i could totally apply it to my relationship with God. just take ONE example, garth brooks' 'you move me'--

But you move me
You give me courage I didn't know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on
Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing and you
make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me

etc. just sayin....

so anyways, last night i was hearing "keep ttc hope alive" from every melody coming out of 100.3! a few samples:

-"when i see your face, there's not a thing that i would change" (even if 'you' are born after years and tons of procedures and expense and etc...i'm sure i'm going to think 'you're' absolutely perfect and be glad you were born when you were...)
-"i will survive" (this ttc process even when i think i'm down for the count...)
and following that same theme:
-"i get knocked down, but i get up again" (this would be the theme song of every CD1 upon af's arrival....)

happy hummin'! :)

p.s. in terms of actual ttc process updates, my temp did shoot up this morning so i'm thinking that in fact i did O yesterday, but who knows when. i've been trying to google "how many hours after O does temp spike?" but frankly am finding nothing but crap. apparently not many folk have asked this extremely specific question before :) but apparently the ladies at nw forum have convinced me to have hope still for this cycle, so i'm considering it :)

not sure how i feel right now.

yesterday did 2 IUIs, so was expecting to joyfully (though possibly frantically) enter the TWW today. instead, took my BBT this morning as usual and it went DOWN rather than up...leading me to believe i didn't actually ovulate yet and we may possibly have wasted those 2 vials i'd been waiting so long to use. also this is because I decided that we should insem earlier than last time, so i am frustrated that this is sort of my fault. except there was no way for me to know that this month would be different than the majority of other months, but whatever. geez.

it's 4 pm, and i've been through about a jillion emotional states already today. first i was sad (already convinced that it hadn't worked) but wanting to be positive about the experience. then i was just sad and wept a little bit (this was about the time i got to work and the receptionist wanted to know if i was alright....). then i posted on the nw forum, not sure if i really wanted to hear reasons it might work, because i can't decide if i want one small tortured hope for the next two weeks or if i'd rather just let it go. i got a FEW molecules of hope out of the responses to that and was thankful for that, but still really not thinking there is much chance. and now i'm back to remembering that we have the possibility of a KD!!. frankly i still don't know what our collective thoughts are on that nor how or if it would work, but last month i was grateful the opportunity presented itself just so i wouldn't feel like this was our absolute last try, and i want to get back to feeling that.

this morning esther texted me to say i should write in our baby blog about this week so we could have a rememberance of everything, and i didn't have the heart to respond telling her what i already 'know', that it isn't going to happen this month. sorry, sweetheart! here's hoping you don't read this for a few weeks until we both already know whatever there is to know.

in the meantime someone on the forum recommended the blog of a woman working her way through fertility treatments, and in one of her posts she made the remark that michael buble's song "haven't met you yet" has the absolute perfect lyrics for baby-wanting-but-not-yet-having:

"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet."

i don't want to give up! even when i want to give up! ha. this process is just seriously emotionally draining, you know? but i think i spent the better part of today realizing that, so starting now i really am going to turn my attention to KD and get excited about that :) november, here we come!!

finally IUI'd this morning!

and i mean FINALLY! i would burst into song about it, but maybe i should save that for our BFP :)

anyhow, we went in for an 8 a.m. IUI and have the second one tonight at 7:30. i got my +smiley yesterday at 4:30 so i'm happy with the timing (i know people suggest 24-36 hours past, but statistically, i've found that i more often seem to O the same day as a +test (at least when it's in the morning), so i wanted to do it earlier than last time. in fact the first go round is about the same as last time (16 hours past today, versus 15 hours past 7/30), but the second one we're doing with only a 11 hour gap instead of a 23 hour gap. anyway we'll see....

the health worker (the lovely roxi) was able to get the canula all the way into the U this time, yay, that made me feel awesome. and it was so easy and fast! plus she said she saw lots of fertile CM...which actually is making me doubt everything she says because i haven't seen ANY yet! haha....no, honestly, it would be awfully weird if she completely made that up, but i don't get why i haven't seen any! i've been checking for days at the correct times (TMI if you know what that means :) and it was creamy for a while, and yesterday and today nothing! could it be that it's SO incredibly EW that it's not even coming down to the outside world??

ok, WAY too much detail there. i just really want to see it. let's see if it shows its face (so to speak) today or tonight so i can feel more at ease about that.

and the TWW begins!!

my temps are confusing me.

as you, the faithful (imaginary?) reader know, i’ve been waiting a WHILE for this second attempt at IUI. we skipped last month because of late ovulation issues, and since that made the cycle that much longer, we have now officially gone two months since last IUI. and the idea is that hopefully the second one will be in the next couple of days here....

i’ve been feeling fairly positive about this one for some reason. not in the frenetic, overly-excited, chicken-with-its-head-cut-off way of last time; i think i need to be more calm and rational about this for my own mental health. but for some reason i’ve just been feeling good about it. not like women who just ‘KNOW they’re pregnant’, as that could feasibly be due to some change in their internal chemistry whereas i haven’t even insemmed yet, so there exists nothing that i could be ‘sensing’ yet. but i’m staying positive. maybe the fact that i know there’s another option if this doesn’t work (the aforementioned possible KD), although i have the vague feeling that we’re not going to need another option (careful, getting too optimistic??). also for the last few days (TMI warning!) my CM has been very creamy, more impressively so than usual–it just feels like it’s really gearing up, you know?

so of course there has to be a wrench thrown in the system somwhere. yesterday and today, my BBTs were above normal–they are around the range of my POST ovulation temps in previous months. how is that possible? it’s too early, i don’t have EWCM yet, and i don’t have a positive smiley yet. so what the heck. i thought yesterday was just a fluke, and then it kept going up today. ANNOYING! maybe it’s just because i wore a shirt to bed last night since it’s starting to get colder (and don't usually....)? i don’t know.....

p.s. i went to the alternative insemination group for the second time earlier this week and enjoyed it again. i’m still a little shy and wish i talked more, cause there really is SO much to talk about, but i always have this feeling that i don’t want to talk too much so i hold myself back. there were two pregnant couples (including the woman who leads the group), two couples who haven’t even started trying yet, and me. there were no snacks but it was the day i gave blood so I had some animal crackers :)

so we haven't really considered using a KD much at all, for various reasons. frankly we don't know many men that we feel that close to, or respected enough to ask them to take on that role, etc. also, DP is hesitant because she's quite nervous that someday the dad would try and get custody. so we kind of danced around the idea a bit when having those "what are ALL our options" conversations but nothing beyond that.

meanwhile, recently we've been having TONS of unexpected expenses that have completely decimated our savings and any plans we have of TTC further, and after this month (for which we had already purchased the swim team) we were going to be forced to take an indefinite break of at least a year. this has been bumming me out significantly for the past month or so.

so this morning...i got a surprise email from some new friends of ours--the wife of the couple is a student with DP at seminary, and they came to our civil union earlier this year and are just generally cool, fun and wacky liberal people: they live in a co-op with like twenty other people, combined their last names when they got married--like, squished them together to form a new one, not combined them with a hyphen--and just recently they hosted a fundraiser for the homeless shelter where the husband works (he's a pastor) at a transgender bar. yeah....liberal : )

DP and the wife have been getting to be closer friends, and her first reaction this morning when we got the email is that maybe it's something we COULD think about (instead of just saying no like we had been previously to the idea of KD). i just think, no matter if we end up doing this or not, that it was such a sweet offer and really shows they are thinking of us and supporting us. but more than that, it totally opens up the possibility of continuing to try when i thought october was our absolute last shot!!! i'm not getting any younger : ), and the idea of having to wait a whole nother year just to TRY was quite depressing. and then this email shows up out of nowhere!!

plus, keeping in track with the post yesterday about gingers, the husband is a TOTAL red-head : ). love it!

CD2!

so the looooooong wait is over and finally a new cycle is starting so we can try again! as you recall from reading my last post (which i wrote weeks ago but you may have just finished reading .7 seconds ago), my ovulation was way late last month. approximately one business week. meaning that by the time i got a +OPK (which i did finally get, at least!) it was our first morning in cleveland for the long labor day weekend, and my spermies were still back here at the clinic in chicago, so no insem for us last month. meaning i had to wait for the new cycle to use our lovely vials. and of course, since O was so late, my luteal phase (being a good luteal phase and staying at its same approximate length) didn't end until friday, CD34. a record for me!

we ended up paying the $100 "month-off" fee to the clinic, which they charge you if you skip a month so they can keep their budgeting vaguely on track. at first this was annoying but then i realized that it's basically covering a free month of storage, since they kept my swimmies and i didn't have to send them back to nw, pay a re-stocking fee, and then order them again this month. so totally worth it!

speaking of swimmies, i never talked about our new donor #! i actually forget what number it is, but the point is that it's the number one pick they sent us after doing photo matching to esther. this is exciting! now, we really did love our previous donor and were bummed when he ran out, but this new guy sounds cool in various ways. plus since he's not limited supply his samples are probably not as old. plus esther seems to feeling even more connected since choosing him was based on HER! (and will likely share at least some physical resemblence). i forget what else is cool about him but if he 'works' i would definitely buy the extended profile. fingers crossed!!!

if my O happens on or around my normal schedule, i would O around oct 2. i like the way this sounds just because i love fall--turning leaves, crisp air, cozy sweaters, and then the string of fun holidays in a row--halloween, my birthday, thanksgiving, heading on towards christmas.... and plus i now have an awesome new obsession: having a baby born on the 4th of july :P. this is just because i know so many other citizens of my dear country think we're the totally 'un-american' family, two women trying to make babies in a clear attempt to undermine the traditional american family...so i would just love to have the ALL american baby :). but obviously that's not really controllable so i will be perfectly find with a july 3rd of july 5th or june 27th baby, too!!

ok, about a week and a half until i start POAS again. i'm going to use them more sparingly this time because i really don't feel like buying another box, and i only have 7 left. that really should be enough if i do CD13, CD14, CD15, and then 2 each CD16 and 17. yesterday i was analyzing my patterns on fertility friend and in the majority of cases (4 out of 6 months--what is that, 66% of the time?) i get my temp rise the day immediately after my +OPK. meaning, most likely, that O happens the same day as +OPK (because your temp rises a certain amount of time--who knows how many hours exactly, but some--AFTER O, because it's the now-empty corpus luteum starting to release whatever hormone it is that makes your temp go up). meaning it would be better to do both insems that same day. or at least within 24 hours of it, if i get it in the evening. last time we did like 15 and 38 hours after +OPK, and i'd much rather do like 14 and 26 if i get a + in the evening before. and what if i get it in a morning as opposed to an evening test? i don't think they'll let me do it right away, so maybe 12 and 25? grr, i hate not knowing exactly what hour i O! i guess that's the point of the ultrasounds once you get to the point of using an RE...i wonder if they WOULD let me do it right away, if i explained this to them?

that reminds me i gotta call monday and let them know i started. and maybe ask for a discount this month?? :)

this process is hilarious.

i ovulated! or at least, i probably will! just now, at T minus 2 hours from our departure from pittsburgh, i just got an enormous amount of EWCM. like, so much that i keep finding it on my hands even after i left the bathroom (gross, i know, but for purposes of demonstrating how much there was....)

of course this is CD20, doesn't mean ovulation will necessarily happen today or tomorrow (though likely), and it's TOO LATE to inseminate this month because of our trip! aside from this being SO incredibly frustrating...it's really quite funny!

at least now i don't have to be worried that something is wrong with me. it's quite clear that it was delayed because of stress. and now it's back. punto.

i will also be back, in a few days....

happy labor day!

impressively complicated.

wow...has this cycle ever thrown me for a loop!

the only main issue for the last several weeks has been money; do we have enough to buy swimmies this month?/looks like we do, order!/ups, some unexpected expenses come out so we didn't really, but now it's too late so that's what credit cards are for/(repeat this same experience of random expenses appearing about 3 or 4 more times over the course of one day)/juggle the numbers and dates around enough to make it actually totally financially fine for this month--this just as of this morning, and how impressed am i!!

but in the midst of this, my +OPKs are eluding me. and this taking into account that i've been testing like 4 times a day (which also implies holding it in for many hours a day and night! yeesh :) for several days now. it's starting to feel so late that i started assuming that the financial stress was delaying ovulation...which was my theory until i started feeling that financial stress (or any other undetected cause) has completely CANCELLED ovulation and that we just won't have a go at it this month. there's still a part of me that doesn't think this and says "of COURSE it'll come! just wait!" but we are already halfway into CD18 (read: 2 of today's 4 POASs come and gone!) and i'm not buying it so much anymore. and of course we're going out of town friday night for labor day so there is no "wait forever" option--it's either happening in the next two days or it's not happening this month.

which brings me to the OTHER fun (slash horribly stressful) thing that happened this month. last night i got an automated email from UPS saying that the dewar had been picked up and was on its way back to spokane. and i'm like, (and here i quote): WHAT. it was like 9 at night and way too late to call my health clinic and i was SO confused and worried that since they never heard from me (that would be me not calling them because i still hadn't gotten my surge) they decided i didn't really care or had skipped town or what have you, and just sent it back! i left a message for them last night (which in my opinion sounded totally normal considering the height of confusion that i was actually at) and they called me back today to say, essentially, 'no, silly.' they told me that as soon as they get the shipment (i.e. last thursday morning) they transfer the vials to their own deep freeze and this is just them sending the dewar back as normally scheduled, but they still have my guys. and can keep them there til next month if there is no O in august. so there.

so there, really! no loss of swimmers. all money issues basically resolved. a fun trip this weekend to pittsburgh. and if it doesn't happen in the next two days and we have to wait to inseminate until next round, the gift (??) of being able to obsess about TTC for one extra month this year :). (cause this is definitely the last try this year).

but talk about your montañas rusas!!!!!!!!!!! ('roller coaster' in spanish.....cliched term but more true than i can possibly explain.)

really? not yet?

Today is CD 17 and so far...nothing. I mean, it’s not a HUGE deal, because I’ve had ovulation in previous months as late as CD 19 (although that seemed like a fluke, but still), as well as CD 15, 16, and 17. So clearly I’m not overly predictable. But this is still annoying. The tank with my swimmies arrived last Thursday so if I don’t get my smiley by tomorrow morning, I’m going to call CWHC and ask their advice about what to do. Keeping the tank and paying a late fee (I think $15 per day?) is NOT a big deal at all and totally worth it, but the question is, how many days longer will the deep freeze hold? And also, what if I don’t O at ALL this cycle–how do they deal with that? (Like, does the clinic have a way of keeping it there for one month til next cycle? Or do they not have their own freezing method, but we could refill the tank and keep that? Or do we send it back and pay for shipping again next month for the same exact vials? Yecchh.). Also, let’s say I DO ovulate this cycle, but for kicks it happens on CD 20 (which isn’t completely out of the realm of possibility since it’s happened before on CD19. Well guess what. Starting CD20 we’re going out of town for the long labor day weekend....great! In that case I would also want to contemplate insemming anyway , maybe as late as possible before we leave town, just to give it a shot, because you never know. BUT maybe that's a horrible idea and a total waste of swimmies if this is an anovulatory cycle. so...these are the things I’ll ask them tomorrow and see what their sage advice is. I guess I could also call NW and ask them.

I’m pretty convinced that my Oing is delayed this month because of stress over finances. Awesome. How much does it suck that this process is one that needs you to be essentially worry-free for all internal processes to go normally, yet it organically creates its own worries (money, health, conception, you name it). You’re hilarious, universe!!!

:P