first the bad news: this morning i felt my slight 'week-before-period' cramps. i get these slight, minor cramps, just for a brief period, every month about a week before my period actually comes. don't ask me why...i can't imagine why my uterus would need to practice a week early--and if it needs to practice that bad, why it only does so one day and then chillaxes again for the next week! but i just know i get it every month before AF. this doesn't NECESSARILY mean AF is coming, but it just sort of reminded me that it totally could be. even though i've been saying to myself this whole time, could be yes, could be no, just like always, apparently i was secretly starting to think it worked, because when i felt the twinges this morning it was like it HIT me that perhaps it didn't work. and OF COURSE it may not have worked! this was only our first try with KD and i literally had no clue what i was doing and we've only been trying 3 months anyway...i wish, though, when i say these logical things to myself, that i could actually believe them. because then when reality sinks in it feels much worse.
i've been able to pinoint a few 'symptoms' lately, i.e. things that are different than they usually are, but i have also been able to explain away each and every one of them, making them not such great clues afterall. for example, i've been really tired lately--could that be because i don't get enough sleep?? also, i was slightly dizzy today. but, that's because i didn't eat dinner last night. and i didn't eat dinner last night because i felt nauseous. WHICH is because when i got home from work yesterday, i proceeded to eat a huge piece of leftover birthday cake. see what i'm saying here?
anywho i am 8dpo and less than a week away from either AF or testing. i've stopped temping which has truly been lovely. i have a chance for it to go either way and i want to be happy with that! and if it didn't work i still have this truly amazing KD and wife who are already ready for next time (maybe they're running low on ice cream?...)
the good news: i've gone to the restroom twice today, and both times the pregnant lady from the office next to ours was in there. so clearly, if i'm peeing on the same schedule as a pregnant lady....just saying :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 07, 2011
i'm almost certain i felt ovulation pains today. it was on the left side.
now i'm off to google image search pictures of sperm-egg fertilization, in an attempt to perform positive visualization. as my book tells me to do.
(fingers crossed for high temp tomorrow to confirm ovulation! if not i'm just going to throw my thermometer away :P)
now i'm off to google image search pictures of sperm-egg fertilization, in an attempt to perform positive visualization. as my book tells me to do.
(fingers crossed for high temp tomorrow to confirm ovulation! if not i'm just going to throw my thermometer away :P)
i probably could have written in here every day since the last post until now, since as you know if you a)are also TTCing or b)know me at all, i obsess about the process all day, every day. and in fact, there has also been a substantial amount of news and details to obsess over. which is better than obsessing in a void. i think.
so anyway. last time i wrote i was pretty much to the point of accepting last month’s BFN, although AF hadn’t shown yet. she did (it did?) eventually, and we moved on. again, praise the Lord, it was NOT as devastating as the first BFN. and i didn’t know it at the time, but things were only about to get better....
we did meet with our KD and his wife for dinner a couple weeks ago (or just one week ago? time’s been flying by!) and we honestly didn’t know what the result would be. you know, it was totally possible that they would want to be co-parents or be called daddy or who knows what–-because everybody is different and there are endless valid variations of parenting and family. we were just hoping that’s not what they wanted because it’s not what we are looking for. and it totally isn’t! they have essentially the same exact expectations as we do–donate sperm (for which we pay them one pint of ben and jerry’s for each insem :), not be any sort of family figure, maybe not even live in the same city or country as the baby, but still be friends, and that’s it. we even realized that since we live way in the north of the city and they live way in the south, but sometimes work in the north, that on insem days we could even give them rides home and thus contribute a little something to them (besides the ice cream). and we decided this over yummy japanese food. it was perfect.
so that was about a week and a half ago, and it just happened to be very close to my ovulation, though of course i never really can tell and my O day jumps around a lot. and this week was an excellent example of me “never really can tell”-ing. my signs were all over the place and confusing and being contradictory amongst themselves. my temps went down then up then down again (i may need a new thermometer??). my cervix seemed to be up and so i thought that because of that, that certain day MUST be fertile-time, but i had no EWCM. now yesterday i had awesome EWCM, but my cervix had long since come back down. i had smileys twice, Wednesday and Sunday. same basic confusion as always...good times!
the upshot is that we ended up doing three inseminations this week. this is actually the ideal plan (3 or 4 days before O, then 1 or 2 days before O, then day of) but we didn’t plan it on purpose. i got that first smiley Wednesday and panicked and asked if we could start that night (because i also had a high cervix, as far as i can tell, though no fertile CM). i had a slight inkling that it could be a ‘false early positive’ because i’ve had those before (apparently my LH goes up and down??) AND i hadn’t tested the day before because i hadn’t slept long enough and thought it was too early to matter. so of course i freaked out because i couldn’t tell if it was a flash in the pan fluke, or the tail end of a regular length surge. and then the next day my temp went up so i thought, yep, that was it, we only got one try in this month but at least it’s something!
but then i kept being not convinced because i just wasn’t seeing any fertile CM and it still seemed kind of early to me (first smiley was CD 14, whereas I usually get it between 15 and 19). so we did it again Friday night just in case. and then i kept testing just for kicks, because i really wanted to figure this cycle out. so Sunday (CD 18, much more normal timing), i got a +OPK with FMU and contemplated asking them again (even though it was the end of a super long week and weekend and i felt bad because on Friday, we had sort of implied that this was it for the month). we went out to lunch with a friend, i came home and got ANOTHER smiley, without even waiting 4 hours between POASing, and i also had very obvious EWCM. so yes, finally i knew, at least i understand this month! i think i need to get used to my cycles having multiple smileys and being long and just never really being OBVIOUS one way or the other...and learn to embrace it :)
and i texted KD and his wife and they told me it was perfectly fine to do another go-round yesterday evening. i tried to profusely apologize but they said it was no big deal, and they get ice cream out of it, so it’s all good. they sound totally laid back, don’t they? which they are, as well as awesome in SO many other ways. i’m serious-–at first we didn’t really consider at all using a KD and their offer came out of the blue for us, but after spending this week with them i literally cannot think of any cooler or more wonderful way of doing this. not only am i becoming better friends with two extremely amazing people, but they’re also giving this whole process a lift from the ‘non-fun-let’s-just-do-it-but-it’s-stressful’ place it was in previously. i mean, it’s still a little stressful, it can’t not be. but they explained to me in great detail last week what a blessing it was for them to be involved in this, and they are really excited and into it. NOT excited in a sketchy way like, are they going to want to steal the baby? :P, excited because they want to be a part of radical and hilarious and queer and fabulous and holy things. that’s a direct quote.
plus i keep finding out more and more things we have in common (other than the first right-off-the-bat-obvious thing that KD has red hair and so do i, though his is much more bright and brilliant! ha:). also, they went to college in ohio. also, some of their family is from pittsburgh. also, they have huge shelves full of books within which are included selections by bill bryson and ursula k leguin and john irving. also there are lots of things we DON’T have in common but that i am learning so much through. i’m pretty sure that even though they’re the heterosexual ‘traditional’ couple on the outside, we're going to learn more than i can express from them about being radical and queer and loving it.
also we’ve decided to use astronomical lingo when talking about our ‘process’, so we talk about the mission and launching satellites and naming each month’s attempt after a different shuttle. and we sit around their room after the insem (when i’m lying with my feet up for half an hour) talking about anything and everything (and sometimes sharing their ice cream). i don’t actually want to keep getting BFNs indefinitely just so we can hang out with them and talk, but they have completely revolutionized the process for me and the prospect of doing so is now a totally different experience :). it's not every KD and his wife that you can say that about!!
so anyway. last time i wrote i was pretty much to the point of accepting last month’s BFN, although AF hadn’t shown yet. she did (it did?) eventually, and we moved on. again, praise the Lord, it was NOT as devastating as the first BFN. and i didn’t know it at the time, but things were only about to get better....
we did meet with our KD and his wife for dinner a couple weeks ago (or just one week ago? time’s been flying by!) and we honestly didn’t know what the result would be. you know, it was totally possible that they would want to be co-parents or be called daddy or who knows what–-because everybody is different and there are endless valid variations of parenting and family. we were just hoping that’s not what they wanted because it’s not what we are looking for. and it totally isn’t! they have essentially the same exact expectations as we do–donate sperm (for which we pay them one pint of ben and jerry’s for each insem :), not be any sort of family figure, maybe not even live in the same city or country as the baby, but still be friends, and that’s it. we even realized that since we live way in the north of the city and they live way in the south, but sometimes work in the north, that on insem days we could even give them rides home and thus contribute a little something to them (besides the ice cream). and we decided this over yummy japanese food. it was perfect.
so that was about a week and a half ago, and it just happened to be very close to my ovulation, though of course i never really can tell and my O day jumps around a lot. and this week was an excellent example of me “never really can tell”-ing. my signs were all over the place and confusing and being contradictory amongst themselves. my temps went down then up then down again (i may need a new thermometer??). my cervix seemed to be up and so i thought that because of that, that certain day MUST be fertile-time, but i had no EWCM. now yesterday i had awesome EWCM, but my cervix had long since come back down. i had smileys twice, Wednesday and Sunday. same basic confusion as always...good times!
the upshot is that we ended up doing three inseminations this week. this is actually the ideal plan (3 or 4 days before O, then 1 or 2 days before O, then day of) but we didn’t plan it on purpose. i got that first smiley Wednesday and panicked and asked if we could start that night (because i also had a high cervix, as far as i can tell, though no fertile CM). i had a slight inkling that it could be a ‘false early positive’ because i’ve had those before (apparently my LH goes up and down??) AND i hadn’t tested the day before because i hadn’t slept long enough and thought it was too early to matter. so of course i freaked out because i couldn’t tell if it was a flash in the pan fluke, or the tail end of a regular length surge. and then the next day my temp went up so i thought, yep, that was it, we only got one try in this month but at least it’s something!
but then i kept being not convinced because i just wasn’t seeing any fertile CM and it still seemed kind of early to me (first smiley was CD 14, whereas I usually get it between 15 and 19). so we did it again Friday night just in case. and then i kept testing just for kicks, because i really wanted to figure this cycle out. so Sunday (CD 18, much more normal timing), i got a +OPK with FMU and contemplated asking them again (even though it was the end of a super long week and weekend and i felt bad because on Friday, we had sort of implied that this was it for the month). we went out to lunch with a friend, i came home and got ANOTHER smiley, without even waiting 4 hours between POASing, and i also had very obvious EWCM. so yes, finally i knew, at least i understand this month! i think i need to get used to my cycles having multiple smileys and being long and just never really being OBVIOUS one way or the other...and learn to embrace it :)
and i texted KD and his wife and they told me it was perfectly fine to do another go-round yesterday evening. i tried to profusely apologize but they said it was no big deal, and they get ice cream out of it, so it’s all good. they sound totally laid back, don’t they? which they are, as well as awesome in SO many other ways. i’m serious-–at first we didn’t really consider at all using a KD and their offer came out of the blue for us, but after spending this week with them i literally cannot think of any cooler or more wonderful way of doing this. not only am i becoming better friends with two extremely amazing people, but they’re also giving this whole process a lift from the ‘non-fun-let’s-just-do-it-but-it’s-stressful’ place it was in previously. i mean, it’s still a little stressful, it can’t not be. but they explained to me in great detail last week what a blessing it was for them to be involved in this, and they are really excited and into it. NOT excited in a sketchy way like, are they going to want to steal the baby? :P, excited because they want to be a part of radical and hilarious and queer and fabulous and holy things. that’s a direct quote.
plus i keep finding out more and more things we have in common (other than the first right-off-the-bat-obvious thing that KD has red hair and so do i, though his is much more bright and brilliant! ha:). also, they went to college in ohio. also, some of their family is from pittsburgh. also, they have huge shelves full of books within which are included selections by bill bryson and ursula k leguin and john irving. also there are lots of things we DON’T have in common but that i am learning so much through. i’m pretty sure that even though they’re the heterosexual ‘traditional’ couple on the outside, we're going to learn more than i can express from them about being radical and queer and loving it.
also we’ve decided to use astronomical lingo when talking about our ‘process’, so we talk about the mission and launching satellites and naming each month’s attempt after a different shuttle. and we sit around their room after the insem (when i’m lying with my feet up for half an hour) talking about anything and everything (and sometimes sharing their ice cream). i don’t actually want to keep getting BFNs indefinitely just so we can hang out with them and talk, but they have completely revolutionized the process for me and the prospect of doing so is now a totally different experience :). it's not every KD and his wife that you can say that about!!
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