2012?

wait, that's the year the earth is going to self-destruct, right? according to either the ancient mayans or hollywood; i can't remember which.

AF showed today on this, cycle #2 with KD, #4 of actively trying, month #12 since starting to plan, chart, and insistently hope. yeah, hope. that's what's bugging me today.

i'm not depressed, i still didn't cry as much as i did with that first BFN back in august (but i did get a trip to amish acres out of that, though :). i have been weepy today and because of that my boss thinks i'm coming down with something, which caused him to tell me i could go home early if i felt bad. might just take him up on that...

but beyond how actually concretely weepy i have or have not been, i'm really not feeling another try right now. i feel like it's pointless. i feel like it COULD work but if it doesn't that i can't take another 'hopes up-hopes down' cycle. i feel like it's awfully likely i have fertility issues what with my weird cycle lengths and CM variations and low temps. i want to get checked out and told what's wrong, but i also have a fairly strong feeling that i'm not going to feel any better after finding that out.

i just don't know if i can start another entire year of this. i know it's still not that much, i know there are women who have been trying MANY years and still keep hope alive and in fact, it's 100% true that it could be just the next cycle, just around the corner. 'i guess it's half timing, the other half luck' and all that. but just the idea of it. remembering how excited and plan-y i was at this time last year, making appts, meeting the midwives, buying my BBT thermometer and starting prenatals (a year of prenatals! good heavens!) and picking a donor. i feel a wrenching in my gut that it was all for naught. i feel like my body doesn't or didn't work and i'm not feeling great about that. i also feel like DP has been an amazing support for me this whole time but worry she hasn't been able to cry/be frustrated/express her negative emotions like i have.

should we start thinking about fostering? adopting older children? i know i'm not exactly retirement age yet, but we've just lost An Entire Year. i don't have the sunshine-y bouncey ball hope to start an entire new one. is that wrong?

i haven't told dp yet although i saw AF this morning, because early-morning-darkness-still-basically-asleep-goodbye-kiss time is not exactly my idea of the best time to break bad news. but i want to go home and snuggle and tell her and cry together. and then i want a new plan. i don't know if i can keep doing this same one much longer.

no big news for the moment but i thought i should update for posterity's sake : ).

no BFP last month, bummer, but i have to say that everytime does get easier. i still cry, but only for about 3 minutes or so : ), whereas the first time it was this horried experience. as time goes on i'm learning more and more about my body and cycles and fertility in general, and frankly 3 times trying is really not THAT much.

we're on our fourth time right now. i'm CD18 right now, and we're doing our 3rd AI of the week tonight with KD. i got +OPK last night and this morning, so i think this is the real thing (as opposed to the other +OPK i got monday evening, not repeated or preceeded by any other +, so i think that was my standard early/false). i had some EWCM earlier in the week but haven't had any today, which is annoying me after two +OPKs in a row. i may have just stated in the previous paragraph that i'm learning more about my body and cycle, but i still get frustrated that the signs don't line up! :P i'm still seriously thinking about getting some testing done next cycle if this doesn't take, just in case. (even though KD, KD's wife, and DP all think we should just keep trying). it's MY body that isn't 'working', though, and i just don't want to waste time if it turns out i'm not ovulating or something. just saying. we'll see how frustrated i get if we see a BFN in a couple of weeks....

still on the lookout for EWCM today and a temp rise tomorrow or sat! whoo :)

good news and bad news?

first the bad news: this morning i felt my slight 'week-before-period' cramps. i get these slight, minor cramps, just for a brief period, every month about a week before my period actually comes. don't ask me why...i can't imagine why my uterus would need to practice a week early--and if it needs to practice that bad, why it only does so one day and then chillaxes again for the next week! but i just know i get it every month before AF. this doesn't NECESSARILY mean AF is coming, but it just sort of reminded me that it totally could be. even though i've been saying to myself this whole time, could be yes, could be no, just like always, apparently i was secretly starting to think it worked, because when i felt the twinges this morning it was like it HIT me that perhaps it didn't work. and OF COURSE it may not have worked! this was only our first try with KD and i literally had no clue what i was doing and we've only been trying 3 months anyway...i wish, though, when i say these logical things to myself, that i could actually believe them. because then when reality sinks in it feels much worse.

i've been able to pinoint a few 'symptoms' lately, i.e. things that are different than they usually are, but i have also been able to explain away each and every one of them, making them not such great clues afterall. for example, i've been really tired lately--could that be because i don't get enough sleep?? also, i was slightly dizzy today. but, that's because i didn't eat dinner last night. and i didn't eat dinner last night because i felt nauseous. WHICH is because when i got home from work yesterday, i proceeded to eat a huge piece of leftover birthday cake. see what i'm saying here?

anywho i am 8dpo and less than a week away from either AF or testing. i've stopped temping which has truly been lovely. i have a chance for it to go either way and i want to be happy with that! and if it didn't work i still have this truly amazing KD and wife who are already ready for next time (maybe they're running low on ice cream?...)

the good news: i've gone to the restroom twice today, and both times the pregnant lady from the office next to ours was in there. so clearly, if i'm peeing on the same schedule as a pregnant lady....just saying :)

i'm almost certain i felt ovulation pains today. it was on the left side.

now i'm off to google image search pictures of sperm-egg fertilization, in an attempt to perform positive visualization. as my book tells me to do.

(fingers crossed for high temp tomorrow to confirm ovulation! if not i'm just going to throw my thermometer away :P)

i probably could have written in here every day since the last post until now, since as you know if you a)are also TTCing or b)know me at all, i obsess about the process all day, every day. and in fact, there has also been a substantial amount of news and details to obsess over. which is better than obsessing in a void. i think.

so anyway. last time i wrote i was pretty much to the point of accepting last month’s BFN, although AF hadn’t shown yet. she did (it did?) eventually, and we moved on. again, praise the Lord, it was NOT as devastating as the first BFN. and i didn’t know it at the time, but things were only about to get better....

we did meet with our KD and his wife for dinner a couple weeks ago (or just one week ago? time’s been flying by!) and we honestly didn’t know what the result would be. you know, it was totally possible that they would want to be co-parents or be called daddy or who knows what–-because everybody is different and there are endless valid variations of parenting and family. we were just hoping that’s not what they wanted because it’s not what we are looking for. and it totally isn’t! they have essentially the same exact expectations as we do–donate sperm (for which we pay them one pint of ben and jerry’s for each insem :), not be any sort of family figure, maybe not even live in the same city or country as the baby, but still be friends, and that’s it. we even realized that since we live way in the north of the city and they live way in the south, but sometimes work in the north, that on insem days we could even give them rides home and thus contribute a little something to them (besides the ice cream). and we decided this over yummy japanese food. it was perfect.

so that was about a week and a half ago, and it just happened to be very close to my ovulation, though of course i never really can tell and my O day jumps around a lot. and this week was an excellent example of me “never really can tell”-ing. my signs were all over the place and confusing and being contradictory amongst themselves. my temps went down then up then down again (i may need a new thermometer??). my cervix seemed to be up and so i thought that because of that, that certain day MUST be fertile-time, but i had no EWCM. now yesterday i had awesome EWCM, but my cervix had long since come back down. i had smileys twice, Wednesday and Sunday. same basic confusion as always...good times!

the upshot is that we ended up doing three inseminations this week. this is actually the ideal plan (3 or 4 days before O, then 1 or 2 days before O, then day of) but we didn’t plan it on purpose. i got that first smiley Wednesday and panicked and asked if we could start that night (because i also had a high cervix, as far as i can tell, though no fertile CM). i had a slight inkling that it could be a ‘false early positive’ because i’ve had those before (apparently my LH goes up and down??) AND i hadn’t tested the day before because i hadn’t slept long enough and thought it was too early to matter. so of course i freaked out because i couldn’t tell if it was a flash in the pan fluke, or the tail end of a regular length surge. and then the next day my temp went up so i thought, yep, that was it, we only got one try in this month but at least it’s something!

but then i kept being not convinced because i just wasn’t seeing any fertile CM and it still seemed kind of early to me (first smiley was CD 14, whereas I usually get it between 15 and 19). so we did it again Friday night just in case. and then i kept testing just for kicks, because i really wanted to figure this cycle out. so Sunday (CD 18, much more normal timing), i got a +OPK with FMU and contemplated asking them again (even though it was the end of a super long week and weekend and i felt bad because on Friday, we had sort of implied that this was it for the month). we went out to lunch with a friend, i came home and got ANOTHER smiley, without even waiting 4 hours between POASing, and i also had very obvious EWCM. so yes, finally i knew, at least i understand this month! i think i need to get used to my cycles having multiple smileys and being long and just never really being OBVIOUS one way or the other...and learn to embrace it :)

and i texted KD and his wife and they told me it was perfectly fine to do another go-round yesterday evening. i tried to profusely apologize but they said it was no big deal, and they get ice cream out of it, so it’s all good. they sound totally laid back, don’t they? which they are, as well as awesome in SO many other ways. i’m serious-–at first we didn’t really consider at all using a KD and their offer came out of the blue for us, but after spending this week with them i literally cannot think of any cooler or more wonderful way of doing this. not only am i becoming better friends with two extremely amazing people, but they’re also giving this whole process a lift from the ‘non-fun-let’s-just-do-it-but-it’s-stressful’ place it was in previously. i mean, it’s still a little stressful, it can’t not be. but they explained to me in great detail last week what a blessing it was for them to be involved in this, and they are really excited and into it. NOT excited in a sketchy way like, are they going to want to steal the baby? :P, excited because they want to be a part of radical and hilarious and queer and fabulous and holy things. that’s a direct quote.

plus i keep finding out more and more things we have in common (other than the first right-off-the-bat-obvious thing that KD has red hair and so do i, though his is much more bright and brilliant! ha:). also, they went to college in ohio. also, some of their family is from pittsburgh. also, they have huge shelves full of books within which are included selections by bill bryson and ursula k leguin and john irving. also there are lots of things we DON’T have in common but that i am learning so much through. i’m pretty sure that even though they’re the heterosexual ‘traditional’ couple on the outside, we're going to learn more than i can express from them about being radical and queer and loving it.

also we’ve decided to use astronomical lingo when talking about our ‘process’, so we talk about the mission and launching satellites and naming each month’s attempt after a different shuttle. and we sit around their room after the insem (when i’m lying with my feet up for half an hour) talking about anything and everything (and sometimes sharing their ice cream). i don’t actually want to keep getting BFNs indefinitely just so we can hang out with them and talk, but they have completely revolutionized the process for me and the prospect of doing so is now a totally different experience :). it's not every KD and his wife that you can say that about!!

and on to KD....?

tested tonight and got a BFN. it was weird cause i had actually started to convince myself that it had worked...like i just KNEW, you know? which clearly means nothing :). still no AF, but she may show in a day or two. i just really thought it was going to work!

i'm NOT as sad as last time, at all, which may be because the first time is harder? i'm definitely sad, not least of all because this would have been a baby that (theoretically) might look like DP! i was really liking that idea.

and now we may (also theoretically? :) move on to using the KD i mentioned a few posts back. i definitely want to keep trying--that is something i realized the other day through prayer. sometimes i really DON'T want to try anymore, i get sort of 'sour apples' as though i say to 'fertility' or to 'conception': fine! if you aren't going to play nice then i'm not going to play anymore! but there are many reasons this is ridiculous, not least of which is the fact that there isn't some great force of the universe against me or us or our family plans. it just statistically is hard to get pregnant so there aren't 800 billion people running around on the planet (as opposed to 7 billion), and that's they way it is, period. nothing personal! although it feels an awful lot like that sometimes.

anyways, my inherent spitefulness, plus the constant stress of waiting for a +OPK, then waiting for a BFP, hoping and symptom spotting and everything, makes it awfully tempting to stop trying. the trying process is NOT fun. but if i stop...i won't get my baby. and i miss my baby. of course she or he is worth it! this just isn't the ball o' joy that i may have thought it would be....but i think i got that now :)

come on AF, let's get this over with! and now to start doing research about KDs....

2dpi....i guess i'm officially accepting that i'm in the 2ww :)

yesterday i posted the lyrics to michael buble's 'haven't met you yet' after i read on another ttc blog that they were really quite apropos to our situation (which i totally agree to! being in your life is gonna change me....). and then on the way to pick esther up after class, i was listening to the radio and started hearing positive ttc messages in EVERY song! seriously! this used to happen to me back when i was in the thick of being an evagelical christian; any song that the author or singer actually meant to be about love for another human being, i could totally apply it to my relationship with God. just take ONE example, garth brooks' 'you move me'--

But you move me
You give me courage I didn't know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on
Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing and you
make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me

etc. just sayin....

so anyways, last night i was hearing "keep ttc hope alive" from every melody coming out of 100.3! a few samples:

-"when i see your face, there's not a thing that i would change" (even if 'you' are born after years and tons of procedures and expense and etc...i'm sure i'm going to think 'you're' absolutely perfect and be glad you were born when you were...)
-"i will survive" (this ttc process even when i think i'm down for the count...)
and following that same theme:
-"i get knocked down, but i get up again" (this would be the theme song of every CD1 upon af's arrival....)

happy hummin'! :)

p.s. in terms of actual ttc process updates, my temp did shoot up this morning so i'm thinking that in fact i did O yesterday, but who knows when. i've been trying to google "how many hours after O does temp spike?" but frankly am finding nothing but crap. apparently not many folk have asked this extremely specific question before :) but apparently the ladies at nw forum have convinced me to have hope still for this cycle, so i'm considering it :)

not sure how i feel right now.

yesterday did 2 IUIs, so was expecting to joyfully (though possibly frantically) enter the TWW today. instead, took my BBT this morning as usual and it went DOWN rather than up...leading me to believe i didn't actually ovulate yet and we may possibly have wasted those 2 vials i'd been waiting so long to use. also this is because I decided that we should insem earlier than last time, so i am frustrated that this is sort of my fault. except there was no way for me to know that this month would be different than the majority of other months, but whatever. geez.

it's 4 pm, and i've been through about a jillion emotional states already today. first i was sad (already convinced that it hadn't worked) but wanting to be positive about the experience. then i was just sad and wept a little bit (this was about the time i got to work and the receptionist wanted to know if i was alright....). then i posted on the nw forum, not sure if i really wanted to hear reasons it might work, because i can't decide if i want one small tortured hope for the next two weeks or if i'd rather just let it go. i got a FEW molecules of hope out of the responses to that and was thankful for that, but still really not thinking there is much chance. and now i'm back to remembering that we have the possibility of a KD!!. frankly i still don't know what our collective thoughts are on that nor how or if it would work, but last month i was grateful the opportunity presented itself just so i wouldn't feel like this was our absolute last try, and i want to get back to feeling that.

this morning esther texted me to say i should write in our baby blog about this week so we could have a rememberance of everything, and i didn't have the heart to respond telling her what i already 'know', that it isn't going to happen this month. sorry, sweetheart! here's hoping you don't read this for a few weeks until we both already know whatever there is to know.

in the meantime someone on the forum recommended the blog of a woman working her way through fertility treatments, and in one of her posts she made the remark that michael buble's song "haven't met you yet" has the absolute perfect lyrics for baby-wanting-but-not-yet-having:

"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet."

i don't want to give up! even when i want to give up! ha. this process is just seriously emotionally draining, you know? but i think i spent the better part of today realizing that, so starting now i really am going to turn my attention to KD and get excited about that :) november, here we come!!

finally IUI'd this morning!

and i mean FINALLY! i would burst into song about it, but maybe i should save that for our BFP :)

anyhow, we went in for an 8 a.m. IUI and have the second one tonight at 7:30. i got my +smiley yesterday at 4:30 so i'm happy with the timing (i know people suggest 24-36 hours past, but statistically, i've found that i more often seem to O the same day as a +test (at least when it's in the morning), so i wanted to do it earlier than last time. in fact the first go round is about the same as last time (16 hours past today, versus 15 hours past 7/30), but the second one we're doing with only a 11 hour gap instead of a 23 hour gap. anyway we'll see....

the health worker (the lovely roxi) was able to get the canula all the way into the U this time, yay, that made me feel awesome. and it was so easy and fast! plus she said she saw lots of fertile CM...which actually is making me doubt everything she says because i haven't seen ANY yet! haha....no, honestly, it would be awfully weird if she completely made that up, but i don't get why i haven't seen any! i've been checking for days at the correct times (TMI if you know what that means :) and it was creamy for a while, and yesterday and today nothing! could it be that it's SO incredibly EW that it's not even coming down to the outside world??

ok, WAY too much detail there. i just really want to see it. let's see if it shows its face (so to speak) today or tonight so i can feel more at ease about that.

and the TWW begins!!

my temps are confusing me.

as you, the faithful (imaginary?) reader know, i’ve been waiting a WHILE for this second attempt at IUI. we skipped last month because of late ovulation issues, and since that made the cycle that much longer, we have now officially gone two months since last IUI. and the idea is that hopefully the second one will be in the next couple of days here....

i’ve been feeling fairly positive about this one for some reason. not in the frenetic, overly-excited, chicken-with-its-head-cut-off way of last time; i think i need to be more calm and rational about this for my own mental health. but for some reason i’ve just been feeling good about it. not like women who just ‘KNOW they’re pregnant’, as that could feasibly be due to some change in their internal chemistry whereas i haven’t even insemmed yet, so there exists nothing that i could be ‘sensing’ yet. but i’m staying positive. maybe the fact that i know there’s another option if this doesn’t work (the aforementioned possible KD), although i have the vague feeling that we’re not going to need another option (careful, getting too optimistic??). also for the last few days (TMI warning!) my CM has been very creamy, more impressively so than usual–it just feels like it’s really gearing up, you know?

so of course there has to be a wrench thrown in the system somwhere. yesterday and today, my BBTs were above normal–they are around the range of my POST ovulation temps in previous months. how is that possible? it’s too early, i don’t have EWCM yet, and i don’t have a positive smiley yet. so what the heck. i thought yesterday was just a fluke, and then it kept going up today. ANNOYING! maybe it’s just because i wore a shirt to bed last night since it’s starting to get colder (and don't usually....)? i don’t know.....

p.s. i went to the alternative insemination group for the second time earlier this week and enjoyed it again. i’m still a little shy and wish i talked more, cause there really is SO much to talk about, but i always have this feeling that i don’t want to talk too much so i hold myself back. there were two pregnant couples (including the woman who leads the group), two couples who haven’t even started trying yet, and me. there were no snacks but it was the day i gave blood so I had some animal crackers :)

so we haven't really considered using a KD much at all, for various reasons. frankly we don't know many men that we feel that close to, or respected enough to ask them to take on that role, etc. also, DP is hesitant because she's quite nervous that someday the dad would try and get custody. so we kind of danced around the idea a bit when having those "what are ALL our options" conversations but nothing beyond that.

meanwhile, recently we've been having TONS of unexpected expenses that have completely decimated our savings and any plans we have of TTC further, and after this month (for which we had already purchased the swim team) we were going to be forced to take an indefinite break of at least a year. this has been bumming me out significantly for the past month or so.

so this morning...i got a surprise email from some new friends of ours--the wife of the couple is a student with DP at seminary, and they came to our civil union earlier this year and are just generally cool, fun and wacky liberal people: they live in a co-op with like twenty other people, combined their last names when they got married--like, squished them together to form a new one, not combined them with a hyphen--and just recently they hosted a fundraiser for the homeless shelter where the husband works (he's a pastor) at a transgender bar. yeah....liberal : )

DP and the wife have been getting to be closer friends, and her first reaction this morning when we got the email is that maybe it's something we COULD think about (instead of just saying no like we had been previously to the idea of KD). i just think, no matter if we end up doing this or not, that it was such a sweet offer and really shows they are thinking of us and supporting us. but more than that, it totally opens up the possibility of continuing to try when i thought october was our absolute last shot!!! i'm not getting any younger : ), and the idea of having to wait a whole nother year just to TRY was quite depressing. and then this email shows up out of nowhere!!

plus, keeping in track with the post yesterday about gingers, the husband is a TOTAL red-head : ). love it!

CD2!

so the looooooong wait is over and finally a new cycle is starting so we can try again! as you recall from reading my last post (which i wrote weeks ago but you may have just finished reading .7 seconds ago), my ovulation was way late last month. approximately one business week. meaning that by the time i got a +OPK (which i did finally get, at least!) it was our first morning in cleveland for the long labor day weekend, and my spermies were still back here at the clinic in chicago, so no insem for us last month. meaning i had to wait for the new cycle to use our lovely vials. and of course, since O was so late, my luteal phase (being a good luteal phase and staying at its same approximate length) didn't end until friday, CD34. a record for me!

we ended up paying the $100 "month-off" fee to the clinic, which they charge you if you skip a month so they can keep their budgeting vaguely on track. at first this was annoying but then i realized that it's basically covering a free month of storage, since they kept my swimmies and i didn't have to send them back to nw, pay a re-stocking fee, and then order them again this month. so totally worth it!

speaking of swimmies, i never talked about our new donor #! i actually forget what number it is, but the point is that it's the number one pick they sent us after doing photo matching to esther. this is exciting! now, we really did love our previous donor and were bummed when he ran out, but this new guy sounds cool in various ways. plus since he's not limited supply his samples are probably not as old. plus esther seems to feeling even more connected since choosing him was based on HER! (and will likely share at least some physical resemblence). i forget what else is cool about him but if he 'works' i would definitely buy the extended profile. fingers crossed!!!

if my O happens on or around my normal schedule, i would O around oct 2. i like the way this sounds just because i love fall--turning leaves, crisp air, cozy sweaters, and then the string of fun holidays in a row--halloween, my birthday, thanksgiving, heading on towards christmas.... and plus i now have an awesome new obsession: having a baby born on the 4th of july :P. this is just because i know so many other citizens of my dear country think we're the totally 'un-american' family, two women trying to make babies in a clear attempt to undermine the traditional american family...so i would just love to have the ALL american baby :). but obviously that's not really controllable so i will be perfectly find with a july 3rd of july 5th or june 27th baby, too!!

ok, about a week and a half until i start POAS again. i'm going to use them more sparingly this time because i really don't feel like buying another box, and i only have 7 left. that really should be enough if i do CD13, CD14, CD15, and then 2 each CD16 and 17. yesterday i was analyzing my patterns on fertility friend and in the majority of cases (4 out of 6 months--what is that, 66% of the time?) i get my temp rise the day immediately after my +OPK. meaning, most likely, that O happens the same day as +OPK (because your temp rises a certain amount of time--who knows how many hours exactly, but some--AFTER O, because it's the now-empty corpus luteum starting to release whatever hormone it is that makes your temp go up). meaning it would be better to do both insems that same day. or at least within 24 hours of it, if i get it in the evening. last time we did like 15 and 38 hours after +OPK, and i'd much rather do like 14 and 26 if i get a + in the evening before. and what if i get it in a morning as opposed to an evening test? i don't think they'll let me do it right away, so maybe 12 and 25? grr, i hate not knowing exactly what hour i O! i guess that's the point of the ultrasounds once you get to the point of using an RE...i wonder if they WOULD let me do it right away, if i explained this to them?

that reminds me i gotta call monday and let them know i started. and maybe ask for a discount this month?? :)

this process is hilarious.

i ovulated! or at least, i probably will! just now, at T minus 2 hours from our departure from pittsburgh, i just got an enormous amount of EWCM. like, so much that i keep finding it on my hands even after i left the bathroom (gross, i know, but for purposes of demonstrating how much there was....)

of course this is CD20, doesn't mean ovulation will necessarily happen today or tomorrow (though likely), and it's TOO LATE to inseminate this month because of our trip! aside from this being SO incredibly frustrating...it's really quite funny!

at least now i don't have to be worried that something is wrong with me. it's quite clear that it was delayed because of stress. and now it's back. punto.

i will also be back, in a few days....

happy labor day!

impressively complicated.

wow...has this cycle ever thrown me for a loop!

the only main issue for the last several weeks has been money; do we have enough to buy swimmies this month?/looks like we do, order!/ups, some unexpected expenses come out so we didn't really, but now it's too late so that's what credit cards are for/(repeat this same experience of random expenses appearing about 3 or 4 more times over the course of one day)/juggle the numbers and dates around enough to make it actually totally financially fine for this month--this just as of this morning, and how impressed am i!!

but in the midst of this, my +OPKs are eluding me. and this taking into account that i've been testing like 4 times a day (which also implies holding it in for many hours a day and night! yeesh :) for several days now. it's starting to feel so late that i started assuming that the financial stress was delaying ovulation...which was my theory until i started feeling that financial stress (or any other undetected cause) has completely CANCELLED ovulation and that we just won't have a go at it this month. there's still a part of me that doesn't think this and says "of COURSE it'll come! just wait!" but we are already halfway into CD18 (read: 2 of today's 4 POASs come and gone!) and i'm not buying it so much anymore. and of course we're going out of town friday night for labor day so there is no "wait forever" option--it's either happening in the next two days or it's not happening this month.

which brings me to the OTHER fun (slash horribly stressful) thing that happened this month. last night i got an automated email from UPS saying that the dewar had been picked up and was on its way back to spokane. and i'm like, (and here i quote): WHAT. it was like 9 at night and way too late to call my health clinic and i was SO confused and worried that since they never heard from me (that would be me not calling them because i still hadn't gotten my surge) they decided i didn't really care or had skipped town or what have you, and just sent it back! i left a message for them last night (which in my opinion sounded totally normal considering the height of confusion that i was actually at) and they called me back today to say, essentially, 'no, silly.' they told me that as soon as they get the shipment (i.e. last thursday morning) they transfer the vials to their own deep freeze and this is just them sending the dewar back as normally scheduled, but they still have my guys. and can keep them there til next month if there is no O in august. so there.

so there, really! no loss of swimmers. all money issues basically resolved. a fun trip this weekend to pittsburgh. and if it doesn't happen in the next two days and we have to wait to inseminate until next round, the gift (??) of being able to obsess about TTC for one extra month this year :). (cause this is definitely the last try this year).

but talk about your montañas rusas!!!!!!!!!!! ('roller coaster' in spanish.....cliched term but more true than i can possibly explain.)

really? not yet?

Today is CD 17 and so far...nothing. I mean, it’s not a HUGE deal, because I’ve had ovulation in previous months as late as CD 19 (although that seemed like a fluke, but still), as well as CD 15, 16, and 17. So clearly I’m not overly predictable. But this is still annoying. The tank with my swimmies arrived last Thursday so if I don’t get my smiley by tomorrow morning, I’m going to call CWHC and ask their advice about what to do. Keeping the tank and paying a late fee (I think $15 per day?) is NOT a big deal at all and totally worth it, but the question is, how many days longer will the deep freeze hold? And also, what if I don’t O at ALL this cycle–how do they deal with that? (Like, does the clinic have a way of keeping it there for one month til next cycle? Or do they not have their own freezing method, but we could refill the tank and keep that? Or do we send it back and pay for shipping again next month for the same exact vials? Yecchh.). Also, let’s say I DO ovulate this cycle, but for kicks it happens on CD 20 (which isn’t completely out of the realm of possibility since it’s happened before on CD19. Well guess what. Starting CD20 we’re going out of town for the long labor day weekend....great! In that case I would also want to contemplate insemming anyway , maybe as late as possible before we leave town, just to give it a shot, because you never know. BUT maybe that's a horrible idea and a total waste of swimmies if this is an anovulatory cycle. so...these are the things I’ll ask them tomorrow and see what their sage advice is. I guess I could also call NW and ask them.

I’m pretty convinced that my Oing is delayed this month because of stress over finances. Awesome. How much does it suck that this process is one that needs you to be essentially worry-free for all internal processes to go normally, yet it organically creates its own worries (money, health, conception, you name it). You’re hilarious, universe!!!

:P

just posted over at lj's 2mommies' monday update.

i'm waiting (very impatiently i might add) to ovulate so i can use my swimmers that already arrived at my clinic LAST THURSDAY! sheesh. of course i feel like it's taking forever when it's only about one half day later than my average +OPK (and i've had some much later in the cycle too, so i need to get over it).

in the meantime i'm pouring (poring? poreing?) over my fertility friend charts to try and figure out if i should insem earlier than last time (14 and 37 hours past +OPK). that schedule was based on what my health worker suggested but since that second one was done on the day my temp shot up, i'd rather get both in before that if at all possible...

always something to obsess about :)

swimmers.

according to UPS, my little guys just got to the clinic! i’m taking it as a good sign that it got there so early (supposedly by 10:36 this morning) when last time it took ALL DAY to get there on the projected day of delivery. i’m still not probably going to need them for several more days so it doesn’t matter a great deal; it’s just nice to have them just in case. feels like the next step, like the process is still going, you know? also dp, when she was packing early this morning to go on her orientation retreat for her seminary, found some extra OPKs in her toiletries bag so i’m good to go to start testing a couple times a day (i have another box waiting for me to pick it up at the post office, but no time to go get it yet....).

it’s interesting ruminating on my feelings this time. first of all, it’s strange that it could change SO much for one month to the next, but it really did. i’m not obsessively, excitedly checking UPS every 4 seconds or passionately examining my OPK lines with eagerness and devotion. i know some people, after TTC for years and it being an incredibly difficult experience, say they’re not going to get excited–so why did i get here to that same place (of non-excitement) so quickly, after just ONE bfn cycle? maybe it’s because i know this is our last go for a while (for economic reasons). at first this was very depressing to me, that if this doesn’t work we can’t try again for at least a year (which frankly is a LONG time when we were so ready....). now i think i really feel ok about it, just because...you kinda have to. like, there isn’t any other way i can twist the numbers to make it work for another month...i just can’t. so there. and maybe my emotions got the hint and decided it wasn’t worth it to be stressed out and despondent and angsty about it since it wasn’t going to accomplish anything doing so. i guess that’s a good thing! i don’t particularly mind not being jittery and ridiculously excited like i was this time last month, and i LOVE not being depressed and in the depths of disappointment. so i’ll take it, I guess :)

one other TTC note–we did attend our first alternative insemination support group earlier this week at chicago women’s health clinic (where we’re doing our IUIs). there were 2 couples, a SMBC, and the group leader, and i actually really liked it (i apparently like all things granola, hippy and feministy–who knew? :) dp won’t be able to attend further meetings because it meets one tuesday a month and she has a night class tuesdays (intro to pastoral care, i believe :)) but i’ll probably keep going and thoroughly enjoying myself. i love communities, whatever size, shape or color.

p.s. i just did the math (not because i’m that obsessed, but rather because i’m SO BORED at work) and it looks like we’d have everything else paid off and some extra cash ready to start again in around may of next year. so not an ENTIRE year of waiting, just nine months or so. oh! nine months! how ironic :)

TTC #2, CD3.

I feel like I should update before I forget all my feelings about this cycle...

Probably obvious by now that we did NOT get pregnant this month. It was QUITE the whirlwind of emotions, thank you very much, and I am actually feeling much better now, but this weekend was hell on wheels.

I was planning to test on Friday morning, but as a good little trooper, I was still taking my temperature every day before getting up. Meaning that I took it Thursday night/Friday morning at about 3 am, because that’s what time I woke up to pee. Meaning that starting at 3 a.m., when I realized I wasn’t pregnant thanks to the colossal dip in temp, I was lying in bed quietly weeping. Esther woke up about 5 and I told her and we hugged, and I really did know it was all going to be alright (you just a mourning period, you know?). But I still couldn’t fall back asleep until about 7 am, which meant a nice half hour nap before getting up for work. Which is why esther convinced me to stay home from work Friday :)

it ended up being a fine day–we went out to our favorite restaurant for dinner (what up, amish country!!) and spent some time being peaceful at a park after dusk in elkhart. I much enjoyed it. But then on Saturday things went completely down the tubes again after I got an email from one of my bosses (I have various jobs) that made me feel completely deflated. Also, it guaranteed a cut in my hours at work, which also caused severe emotional distress as it made it seemingly impossible to try again this month. And we’ve only tried once! How can I get all geared up and chart for months and make plans and place orders and join forums and then only try ONCE??

The upshot (3 days later) is that things are settling down at work to a place where it looks like I’ll get my hours back (though I’m not sure if I want them yet, after the disagreeableness of the incident), esther’s spanish business is really taking off, and we know there are other options out there. Plus I ran the numbers assuming my hours would be cut and we can still afford to do this one more time :)

after that we really should stop or else I’m not going to have any time to save up for paying my taxes come the end of the year. Sad but true. I also think I won’t be quite as shattered this time if we get another BFN because a)it won’t be the first time and 2)it’s not the Absolute Last Vial of our favorite donor. Which last month’s was. But, as I said...I think we’re getting over it. Feeling better. WANTING to press ahead and NOT GIVE UP!!!

Because this really is something I want with my whole heart.

p.s. northwest is taking a few days to photo match esther to donors and i can't wait to see what they come up with!! either way i'm still leaning towards 599 because i truly love his essay :), but we shall see...

today.

12 dpi...
all my ‘symptoms’ that I was already questioning have completely disappeared (felt them from 3dpi through about 7 dpi, they were definitely there, but wasn’t sure if they were relevant at all)...
af could show up any day now (technically the earliest she’s ever shown up is CD29, which would be tomorrow, but I’m already on my guard)...
tested way earlier this week just because it was our anniversary and it was negative, though it would have been fairly early to get a positive, and I haven’t tested again yet....
and I’m actually getting to that place where I’m like, “just show up already!”

I read other ladies saying that on the boards over the past week and I didn’t believe it; I thought to myself, ‘you’re just saying that so you won’t keep having false hopes after a couple of BFNs, because while it is still POSSIBLE, time is ticking away and since it’s more likely that af will come, want it to just happen already.’ But now I’m starting to get it....you’re almost (ALmost) over the mourning period for this month already. That seems weird, because you don’t even know for sure that it didn’t work, but since you (slash I :) have been obsessing about it ALL DAY LONG for at least 12 days now (if not more), you’ve run through the gamut of emotions and truly feel like you’re ready to accept this month’s result and get to trying for next time. Plus you really do wish that if it’s not going to happen, that you can confirm that, because it’s this flimsy hope that really kills ya....

My plan is to test again Sunday morning (15dpi) if af doesn’t show up before then, and one last time weds morning if af doesn’t show up before then. The window of opportunity for af to normally show up in would be between tomorrow (Friday) and Tuesday. That’s a freaking annoyingly large window. But I kind of feel like I have some af symptoms already....drat. I guess the first sign I would (normally) see is a temp drop at one to two days before af....so that’s even more cheery–I’ll know it didn’t work at 5 in the morning while staring bleary-eyed at a thermometer with the light from my cell phone while dp sleeps beside me. I already know I won’t wake her up to tell her.

I got a box of FRERs Friday night when we were at the grocery store...just because. They say on the front that they can detect BFPs at six days before you were to get your period. That’s impressive, but not useful to me for 2 reasons: one, I have no idea when my period is going to come (I mean, I have SOME idea, but it’s not a small enough window to be useful for this–could be anytime between Friday 8/12 and Tuesday 8/16) and two: the more detailed directions inside the box specify that the test worked 6 days before their period for ...68% of women. It then goes on to say that it worked for 100% of pregnant women by FOUR days before. So waiting those extra 2 days seems a much safer bet.

I was SO tempted to use it today just because it is our anniversary (5 years since the religious ceremony in buenos aires :) and that would basically be the coolest anniversary present ever! And it is 9DPO, so theoretically, it is POSSIBLE to get a BFP at this stage. But, it’s also way more likely to get it at 11 or 13 or even 15DPO, so even without killing all hope, it’s likely that I would get a BFN today. And if I got one I wouldn’t especially feel like telling esther ("wake up, I have to tell you I’m not pregnant yet as far as we know!") and then when the actual day rolls around that we decide together to test, she’ll wonder why there is one test missing from the box.
So that’s my convoluted reasoning as to why I didn’t test today. SORELY tempted, though :)

6dpiui

well, in my last post i said i had no symptoms. like right now, 3 days later, i still have no 'real' symptoms, but as time goes on and this is all i can obsess about :), i start to wonder if some things might count...

i've had a SLIGHT bloated feeling, kind of like feeling "full" in the uterine/ovarial region (i just made up the phrase, i'm pretty sure :) for a few days now. they aren't cramps, it isn't nausea, it isn't even really pains. it just feels kindof like you're full after thanksgiving, but all the time (not just after i eat).

also (TMI) i've been burping more than usual. gross, right? however, the other logical explanation for this is that we've essentially gone off the diet since IUI, meaning i'm eating way more carbs than normal. this could totally be the cause of extra burps :)

another weird thing--i've been having (except for one single day) essentially the same exact BBT ever day since IUI. i have no idea what this means; likely nothing. i googled it a little bit and didn't really find anything. it just stood out to me because my temps are ALWAYS up and down noticeably, and having 97.08, 97.05, 97.06, 97.06 is really odd for me. so something is different, whether it's a sticky bean or not that's causing it is the question.

and final dubitable symptom for today's list: today esther was downtown and we met up for lunch. when we walked past daley plaza, there was a group of ecuadorian dancers performing and we stopped a while to watch. when they were done, they sent up a little group of tiny children to try the same dance...there were about 10 of them, all like 3 feet tall and under :), dressed in traditional outfits and wandering around the stage semi-rhythmically:), and for some reason...both esther and i started crying! weirdest thing. i admit i'm an easy crier, but even this was unusual for me. and clearly esther isn't pregnant, but borrowing a page from the Book of Really Grasping at Straws, if i was pregnant maybe my hormones could be affecting her too? the thing is, she's REALLY not a crier. and we weren't even standing together (she had gone closer to get pictures) so it's not like we saw each other crying and influenced each other.

so anyway. i'm pretty sure none of these really count as symptoms still :), but i wanted to jot them down for posterity's sake just in case.

p.s. have i mentioned i want this sticky bean already?!?!?!

Everyone ALWAYS says to not read the TTC forums while you’re in the 2ww. I’m sure they’re right, it totally makes sense that it would only make me crazier to read about possible symptoms, people getting BFPs, people having m/cs at 14 weeks, etc...but of course that’s all I’m doing all day long! I’m obsessed! It’s just that, when this is all I want to think about, I love reading about other people doing the same.

I’ve also been doing some perusing, though less, of sperm bank websites in case we need to try again next month*, to pick the next donor. When I ordered last month for this, our first try ever, I knew our preferred donor had an extremely limited supply...but I didn’t bank on him being completely gone within 2.5 weeks of my first order! And he’s not on nw’s site anymore. I’m toying with the idea of emailing them just to confirm he’s really gone, but how batty will they think I am? I just honestly didn’t think anyone else was interested in him since I’ve been prowling donor catalogs for many moons now and saw him on there, listed as “limited supply” every single time. Y bueno....

So my first desire is to go with someone else who has a similar ethnic background to him, but I haven’t had much luck with that. The only other ones I’ve found have been 1)on other banks, meaning they’re crazy more expensive, and 2)not completely of that ethnicity–like, only 1/3 or 1/4 or something. (Yes, really 1/3. I don’t know how that works exactly, but maybe it’s a least common denominator or something...). One I saw today was even “1/64" of the ethnicity we’re looking for. Seriously? What IS that, even? Why even bother putting that? (Seriously–what is 1/64? It’s six generations back, if I’m doing my math correctly, right? So dude’s great-great-great-great-grandmother or -father was of this race. We’re talking someone who was born in approximately 18-oh-something. Literally over two centuries ago. Wow....yeah, not impressed.)

(As I was just trying to figure that out I did the calculations using estimates based on birth years for my mom and grammaw [my grammaw’s birth year I only ever remember because she was born in the year of the titanic disaster :)] and realized my grammaw was 37 years old when she had my mom. In 1949! I could be wrong, but I’m thinking that was a quite advanced age for that time period. It’s getting up there even now. Heck, I’m 32 and already staring straight into the face of statistics like “after 30, your chance of getting pregnant with normal hetero BD goes down to 10-15%” or something horrible like that. So anyway, my point is that I will now take this as a good sign–apparently the women of my family are fertile. Now, I have no idea what other reproductive endeavors my grammaw attempted (mom is an only child), and I know my own mom had at least a couple m/cs. But I’m going to not dwell on those things, and instead will just visualize grammaw esther’s 37-year-old ovum barging out of her ovary one cold pittsburgh day in late November, 1948, with a baby on its mind and its arms wide open for the swimmers. So to speak. Actually, it was likely around thanksgiving (mom’s b-day is 8/27) so maybe it also had cranberry sauce on its mind. But I digress.)

*regarding thinking ahead to next month. I’m not doing it out of negativity about this month, I swear! It’s actually a positive thing for me, because this month didn’t go exactly as planned (when does it ever?) and to avoid feeling stressed out because this is our ONLY CHANCE EVAR, I like to think about next month just to remind myself that we’re still in the game. Also because of a recent financial shakeup, I actually did think this past cycle was going to be the only shot, but I ran the numbers again yesterday and it turns out we can try once more this year. So there, capitalism! :P

and in regards to this month’s feelings...I mean heck, I’m only at 3dpi! Literally anything could happen still. Well, not really...that is one of the main frustrations, I guess, the fact that ‘anything’ already DID happen, or failed to happen, and that’s it. It’s not like I can send any positive vibes or eat something fertile-y or follow some other piece of TTC advice at this point and it would make any difference....this past weekend was D-day and the attack on the beach is long over with, the allied forces come and gone (let’s see if I can let go of the military metaphor already, geez!)...I just won’t know who WON for another 10 days or so! That’s the annoying part. Clearly this is not an original thought; I’m sure gajillions of women have had this same frustration that we can’t find out if the deed is done or not until two weeks afterwards...I guess it’s kind of like how the star betelgeuse is 643 light years away (give or take 146 light years), so if it were to blow up, we wouldn’t know until 643 years later. Meaning, it could have ALREADY blown up, in 1492 or 1776 or yesterday, and we just don’t know about it yet, or it could happen tomorrow and earth wouldn’t find out until someone who is 1/67,108,864th me was staring up into the night sky. Same basic principle here. Whatever happened at my not-quite IUIs...happened. Y ya esta. I just am waiting for my pony express telegram to get here to fill me in.

So in the meantime, I’m interestingly going back and forth. I’m not crazy excited or completely depressed (yet...check with me at 11dpi!), so I wouldn’t say I’m awash in emotions yet, but I’ve been fairly regularly going back and forth between expecting positive and negative outcomes. Like, half the time I think about it and I’m like, this could really happen! There is absolutely every chance in the universe that it did! And then the other half of the time I’m thinking it’s totally normal for it not to work, there’s not a huge chance of it, I would be quite flabbergasted if it works. And with each extreme my thoughts swing to, I totally believe it. I am completely convinced that I’m not pregnant. And then I’m completely convinced that I totally could be.

It’s not even worth saying that I don’t have any symptoms at 3dpi. But in case you were wondering, I don’t. Also, some women get preggers without ever having any. See what I mean? Back and forth.....

this is from today :)

hello all! just had my VERY first IUI ever this morning and feeling good vibes :). we did it at the chicago women's health center and i was completely blown away by their gentleness, the way she explained everything, the way she reassured us at every turn, the seeing of the swimmers under the microscope (**), and the options she gave us (do i want to see my cervix in a mirror? does DW want to push the plunger? etc). i cannot recommend them more!

which brings me to my one question. i was supposed to get an IUI, but apparently, because of my cervix being not quite cooperative, the cannula (is that how you spell that?) could only get about 75% of the way through it into the entrance to the uterus. i'm probably not using the right words for the parts, but you know what i mean? sarah (our health worker) tried with a few different speculums, with lubricant and without, a million different angles, and even without a speculum at the end, but she said she just couldn't get it all the way in there. she said quite clearly "this is NOT a failed insemination" and i wasn't really thinking that anyway, as there are still a whole lot of little guys up in there (like, millions!) but clearly it didn't get exactly where it was supposed to. sarah said this part you just can't really control--that you can visualize the cervix, you can get it in the entrance, but then threading it through, like, the 'bottleneck' all the way into the actual uterus, you can't control. you just have to keep trying and get it as far as you can.

has anyone else had an experience like this? i'm starting to think now maybe it was because i was still at the very first part of my fertile period and my cervix wasn't quite all the way open, and we're doing another one tomorrow so we'll see then if it's any easier, but i wouldn't mind being reassured now also, in case anyone has any good related stories :)

can i officially say i'm in the 2ww now? :)

**seeing the little spermies was kind of crazy for many reasons. first, this really is a WEIRD thing, that there are millions of those little guys INSIDE me right now?? not exactly a common experience for me :). but the coolest thing was just that they looked exactly the way you expect them to from seeing them on t.v. from seeing them in the beginning montages of "look who's talking" and "for keeps". that's so weird! in general i don't trust anything i see on t.v. or movies :), and in this case it's even cooler because it's so very, very personal to me. hi you guys!!

this is from yesterday*

*which i specify to distinguish it from the other ramblings i'm about to post, about today :)

hey y'all, again :) i'm the one that posted last week freaking out about a (possibly) early ovulation when my swimmers hadn't yet made it to my hometown. well that actually happened to me AGAIN a few days later (another positive OPK at what seemed like too early a CDday). i think now that both of those were flukes (or caused by my body stressing out) but not actual ovulation because they weren't accompanied by fertile CM or followed by a rise in temperature.

the upshot being is that my swimmers arrived on wednesday and now we are waiting to use them, which was projected to happen this weekend. and even though all my stress and confusion and worry, my body appears to be coming through brilliantly--today i FINALLY got egg white CM and am so happy :). and when i say "FINALLY" i mean it seems like i was waiting forever, but in actual fact this is about exactly the same day i get egg white every month, so even though my brain is flipping out, my ovaries are not :). i'm so proud of it!, and actually did a happy 'egg-white' dance here in the office bathroom, and walked out with a grin beaming off my face. i should have just trusted my body to begin with!

anyways just wanted to share my contentment. now let's see if this works....

waiting before waiting.

yeah...pretty much in limbo here. the little guys have arrived at the clinic, which is an exciting thing :), but i'm a bit up in the air about my O day this month. as i mentioned in my last post...i usually O around CD15 or 16. this month i've already had TWO positive OPKs, on CD9 and CD12. neither one was accompanied by egg-white CM or followed by a spike in temperature the next day. so i wonder...is this batch of OPKs defective? i hope not and think probably not....rather, is my body going absolutely crazy because a)it's the first month we're really trying and b)unrelated stresses affecting me? i have a hunch it's both.

we have had a ridiculous amount of unexpected stress this week. well, i guess first of all the crazy and oppressive heat and humidity of the past few weeks doesn't count as stress, but some other TTC-ing ladies have told me it could have an effect. then, starting out what should have been Fun-Anticipating-IUI-week, on monday we had a stressful day because our downstairs neighbor came upstairs at like 8:30 in the morning, pounded on the door, and then yelled at esther and demanded she go remove something from the shared compost container (we had thrown in chicken bones and apparently she doesn't like that). we've moved past that issue now, but only really because the rest of the week got even MORE stressful in comparison. esther started a new job (at the same place where i work on the weekends) and the first day was so dangerous (doing surveys with ex-prisoners in exceedingly sketchy neighborhoods) that we spent a whole day concerned for her safety, and then decided that we would both resign from the project. so stress upon stress upon stress.

i think we're moving through these situations to feel better, but i've still got a few remaining stresses to dwell on: like if this will affect my employment with them at all, and the fact that we were going to use esther's income to TTC. so if she doesn't find another job we won't be able to try again (at least not in the forseeable future). talk about getting all worked up and then not really being able to give it the old college try! this month is our only shot, for now....and so of course it becomes the month in which i have the craziest, most un-predictable cycle.

everyone on the TTC boards said this would happen in try #1...they were SO right :).

um. what???

this month i was so excited because i placed my very first order ever for swimmers...to arrive around CD13, as my clinic recommended, because i always O around CD16 (and never earlier than CD15). what this means in practical terms is that the little guys haven't even LEFT spokane yet on their journey to me in chicago, and aren't supposed to even arrive until weds. which means of course, today, saturday, i get a positive OPK. (they're smileys, so it's not even possible that i'm interpreting it wrong).

ok. so how is this possible? we're on CD NINE here! like i said, i have never O'd before CD15 and it usually happens CD16 or 17. so what's the deal?

this happened once before, many moons ago, i think the first month i was starting to learn how to chart. at the time i had no idea about my cycle, so when i got a positive at CD11, i figured that was it and stopped testing. but then, like a week later (maybe CD16 or 17?) i suddenly had VERY fertile CM, so when i got home from work that day i tested again and boom, another positive.

somebody tell me this is normal, and that it's possible to have 2 LH surges in a month (or malfunctioning OPKs??)...and while you're at it, tell me that i still have a chance to IUI this month???

here we go!!!

crazyness!

today i am running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to order sperm. yes, that’s right people, we're taking that final step over and actually starting TTC!!! last time i wrote the big news was that we had our appt for our consult at the CWHC. we went wednesday night, totally loved the groove of the place (hippy feminists....yum...), and got the OK to go ahead at my next ovulation. there were some things i wasn’t excited about–number one, they charge a $100 fee if you "take a month off" so my plan for doing it every other month suddenly was going to cost us. and secondly, they had this rule in place when they started out that since both the inseminating community (is that a phrase??) in chicago and the donor pool from midwest sperm bank (the one most of their clients use) is so small, they did not allow more than one pregnancy from any particular donor. they don’t have this rule anymore since both groups of people have grown exponentially and geographically, but it’s still in place for the people who conceived during that time–and one of them used my argentine :( (apparently he DID come back!).

so these were slightly annoying issues, but i think we’ve gotten past both of them. i ran the numbers last night and discovered we can afford to do three months in a row if we take a couple months off after that to recover, save for taxes, etc., so we won’t need to skip every other month. this is a good thing so as to not throw away $100 on the "not-this-time" fee, but also coincides with their general practice to change things up (i.e. rethink things, pick another donor, whatever) if no pregnancy after 3 tries. so we’re going to go july, august, september, and then stop for the rest of the year (and october, november and december ought to be enough of a break to save up for taxes AND to pay for the new mac computer we got a couple of weeks ago :), plus there is no fee if you take off 3 months or more. actually we were going to go august, skip september (because I was going to be o’ing RIGHT during our labor day trip to pittsburgh), then try again october and november, but...just this morning i got my period! about 3 days early!! so that means everything moves up a bit and it’s completely likely that i’ll O in late august before we leave for labor day weekend. whoo!

and regarding donors. we love Mr. 290 over at northwest, but we really didn’t love anyone else quite as much (and of course, he’s limited supply...why am I not surprised!!!). But, emily (the health worker we consulted with at CWHC) said we really should have at least 3 choices, and of course she’s right. i was really resistent to this mostly based on racial and ethnic characteristics–i don’t have any desire to bring another lilly white baby into the world, and that seems like all there is in the Donor Universe. no offense, i love many white babies (jack and charlotte, holla!) and i’m sure that i’m going to be passionately in love with whatever baby comes out of me, but that’s just my gut feeling right now. i want to have a baby who maybe sort of could look related to esther too, and while she isn’t particularly dark-skinned, she is certainly more so than i am.
so to this end, we were looking for south american donors, or in the absense of that, native american (the country where esther is from in south america is completely and totally mixed as to european background with the indigenous peoples from the area, so she feels a great connection to native american ethnicities as well). in all the banks we looked at (and i looked at ALL of them out of morbid curiosity, even though i knew the only ones we could afford were midwest or northwest) we found only ONE south american--the argentine i can’t use :(-- and one fully native american person (Mr. 290!!). northwest has other donors who are PARTIALLY native american, but they’re also partially irish, dutch, german, polish and croatian, and have blond hair and blue eyes. no gracias! (man, i am going to regret this post if i have a blond kid and they read this someday. honey, i totally love you the way you are! mommies just have weird thought patterns sometimes :)).

so anyway, that’s why we’re fixated on 290. but since we have to have at least 3 in our list, we were going to go through nw’s list again and try to squeeze someone out of it. i think we were planning on doing that this weekend...so of course my period comes today! and as we were instructed to call and place our order on CD1, we need to have our donors picked out NOW. so this morning while i ate breakfast and got dressed, esther scoured the webpage again. we FINALLY found someone listed as "hispanic", which is less than ideal because that is awfully vague, but he at least is darker-skinned and had black hair, so he went on the list. but then we were at an impasse. it seemed like literally every other single donor on there was either german or norwegian! as i rushed around so as to not miss my bus, we fretted and stewed... i remembered one other one i had seen, who had some native american (along with like, german, polish, estonian, irish, who knows what else) but also had medium complexion and dark hair, so maybe him....until esther looked at his details and saw that he has allergies to pollen, grass, etc. i mean, obviously that is not the end of the world and totally possibly would not even get passed down to the bubbala, but it has the potential to be awfully annoying for the entire life-span of this new little person. so maybe not. and finally as i was about to leave, esther called out "here’s one that’s german, polish and korean" and i honestly thought she was joking. we’d already decided to try and avoid german, and i think i just assumed asian backgrounds were not being considered because of the starkly obvious way the baby would not look like either one of us, but she was serious! i came over to the bed to see her face as she confirmed this. Mr. 599 had medium complexion and dark hair, which would be more like her (and green eyes, which is like neither of us but still awesome :), studied music history in school (again, not like us, but cool :), and if you consider the korean to be only a third of his background (whatever that means) and mix it with me, in the end he’ll just maybe look ‘slightly exotic’ (my words :) which is absolutely totally fine. and then on the way to work i read his answers to the essays questions and actually liked them A LOT. those things are more often than not disappointing–either the person can’t spell worth crap, or they say things that just kind of make you cringe inwardly ("your baby will be beautiful because my genes are awesome") (come to think of it, i think the argentine actually said that!). but this one, while, yes, pointing out the good things about himself, was also well-written, thoughtful, and reminded me a bit of my writing style. so now i actually really like him a lot :)

this morning i’ve been super nervous about these phone calls i had to sneak to make while my boss drifts around the office (to CWHC to let them know AF is here and see if we’re good to go, to NW to give them credit card info, etc). i talked to CWHC and all is ok (yay!!!); cheryl told me that with NW i actually have to place the order myself but can have it sent to their office, and that i should have it sent to them by CD13 (which is july 27). but then when i called NW they said everything looked fine, but they needed to send me a final confirmation email that will explain how to order and he would send it right over...and of course it’s 2 hours later now and nothing! i’m so nervous....i told him what date i needed it by and he said that was absolutely no problem, so if for some reason i can’t order until tomorrow (or monday?) there likely would be no problem. but i want to do it now! i want to be able to text esther (as she sits at home working on the final draft of a 20-page paper due today :) and say "i just bought spermies!!!!" or something along those lines. checking my email again....nothing! i think i'm going to give them another call.

*****

score! i called them and they shot the email over right away. so now i'm good to go, i started to place the order...and my first question is, how many vials are there exactly of 290? turns out there are FOUR. FOUR!!! not even enough to try for 3 months, much less to save some for a future sibling. i knew he was limited supply, but i was hoping he'd be like 8 or 10. four is almost non-existent. and speaking of limited supply, i either forgot or didn't notice this on their princing info*, but when they are limited supply, they are more expensive! i can't remember if there is a reason behind that, but the bottom line is that he costs $350 per vial rather than $275 (well, $249, but all their prices go up to $275 on august 1). so is he worth it? i think so, it's only $150 per month to get our absolute first choice...but here's hoping his little guys can do it in the next two months. and where are all the native american donors, people?? step up!

anyway i sent an email to esther with these details to see what she thinks before i call them back to finalize the order....just got her reply, she agrees with me! so here we go, at least the first try will be with Mr. 290, keeping my fingers crossed that no one else will buy him before the end of august just in case i need him again....

JUST ORDERED MY FIRST IUI EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now nothing at all is going to happen until i O in about 2 weeks.....que locura!!!!!

*by the way, i can't check the NW website while i'm here at work because-get read for this-it's BLOCKED by some program they have installed on the computers because it's "Forbidden Topic-Sex Education." that is maybe the weirdest thing i ever heard. never mind that i can look at the websites of lots of other sperm banks. never mind that i also can't see xkcd because it's "Forbidden Topic-Adult/Mature Themes" (what???). weird bosses, weird job, weird internet :)

happy summer!

we were at target, maybe two months ago now, and i could not resist buying this little bib that says "i am the star of my mommy's blog." so there you have it--our first baby-related purchase. which i would never tell anyone IRL about because it's putting the cart AWFULLY forward of the horse. it feels important, though. like it's for real-like.

so the plan was to chart for a month or two after coming back from paraguay before starting to TTC, and i think we're basically still sticking to that plan. the last month since we've been back has been pretty chaotic anyway, with us winning a contest to be one of the first 6 couples to get civil-unioned in illinois, and probably ovulating during that week but i broke my opk while we were at the hotel (we got a honeymoon suite free for the night!) and also was WAY too completely exhausted that whole week to take my BBT well, and then having friends in town that whole week, and then starting the diet again, etc ad infinitem.

also i was privately obsessing about babying so much and not talking about it at loud at all, and i realized a few weeks ago that this method of planning was putting a bit of stress on me. for some reason, i subconsciously thought esther didn't want to be bothered all the time with my thoughts, feelings, plans etc about it, so i didn't tell her, but then i realized i was getting resentful 'doing it myself.' which praise be to God, we eventually talked about and in fact she DOESN'T want me keeping it all to myself/mind me blabbing about it all the time. now i feel totally reassured that she's just as excited about it as i am, and i say more random baby things out loud (like, driving past the lycee francais de chicago-"ooh, how cool would it be if our kids went there??").

we made an appointment for our first consultation at the chicago women's health center, july 13, and theoretically after that we could start inseminating! the next time i will O after that will be the first week of august, so this could be happening really, really soon....it all depends on if they think things look good after looking at my charts, and also on the financial flow. and it's exceedingly likely that even if we do start in august, it will take many months to get preggers, so i don't want to get my hopes all up. but we are planning a trip to pittsburgh for labor day and how COMPLETELY insane would it be if i was pregnant already by that time?? i would, of course, not breathe a word about it to my family at that point, and think i would wait until second trimester at least. just saying.

we're planning on trying every other month so we can save up a little on the in-between months (mostly so i can save up to pay my taxes next year--annoying!), so this could happen august, october, december, etc. we're leaning towards using northwest cryo bank, cause even though midwest opened up again, their prices are now on the same level as NW's and they don't have the argentine donor anymore (buuu!!...). so i hope we find an awesome donor at NW and can afford the inseminations and spermies and chart well in the coming months and fingers crossed for everything!!! praying, too :)

oops....have i forgotten to blog for 4 years??

hello there world! not that anyone is reading this, but i've just spent the day reading blogs of other ttc or pregnant ladies (my boss didn't come today, nothing to do, just a normal day at the office...) so i'm feeling inspired to write again. i figure at some point someone will want to read about the details of our whole journey, even if it's just me during bed rest (god forbid!) or when our child graduates high school, or whatever.

so i think the last time i wrote we were in buenos aires and scouting out fertility options there. to make an exceedingly long story ridiculously short, we ended up staying in buenos aires until march 2010, when esther got her permanent residency visa to the u.s. through the diversity lottery system (major miracle!!) and we moved to chicago. we've been here a year now and love it!

we didn't make major headway towards Baby during our time in buenos aires, except right at the end i decided to get some testing done before i left my job there (the translation agency from hell) and lost my health insurance. so, we visited two fertility clinics for consultations (fecunditas in CF was awesome, kind, welcoming and helpful; the one in la plata not so much) and i got some blood work, an ultrasound, and a histerosalpingogram done. (that last one is apparently usually only done when there are fertility issues, which i didn't realize at the time, but it was covered and not TOO horrible, so no harm done). i forgot to go back and get the results of the blood work, but the other two tests seemed to give good results. it was shrotly after this that we made the move Up North.

so we got here and started trying to settle in to living in the states. i found work, esther started studying and teaching spanish lessons on the side, we began a search for a church (still ongoing), etc. as the year started to pull to a close for some reason we both started thinking about babies again, independently of each other. when we realized this one night, we decided to take some time to think about it again individually, and then have a good, thick conversation about it after the new year. i realize this was all me, wanting to make plans and set dates and all that jazz, but esther goodnaturedly went along with it.

i did bundles of research and got books from the library and scoured websites and quizzed a friend at work who had a baby a few months back. i had a good list of questions which i ran by acquaintances such as "why do human beings want to reproduce?" and came to some satisfying conclusions myself (thanks in large part to the ladies of lj's ttc_lesbians group). after esther and i talked in january, mostly about the practicals like 1.) who would carry, 2.) how exactly we would inseminate, 3.) health insurance coverage, and 4.) how in the blazes we would be able to afford a baby on essentially my income [the answers to these questions are: 1.) me; 2.) probably just ICI or IUI with anonymous donor sperm even though we would have preferred to combine her eggs with my uterus or vice versa but it's far too prohibitively expensive; 3.) my bluecross blueshield through my current employer is actually a pretty awesome plan covering all pre-natal and delivery costs except for one $20 co-pay at the first OB visit, and $100 per day in the hospital, though literally nothing after the baby is born so i'm counting on IL All Kids for that; and 4.) i have no idea! every so often i'll suddenly think to myself, we can't afford kids! i mean, we can, but i'll have to work 3 jobs and i'll never see the baby! but then i respond reassuringly: 'so the heck what?? i'm having this thing!' and i think we're sticking with that for now].

so then we 'got started'! starting in january, i started taking a pre-natal with dinner every night, charting my BBT (basal body temp, or waking temp), using OPKs every month (ovluation predictor kits) and (TMI alert) charting my cevical fluid. [for those of you wondering why the heck so much prep, the answer is that when you're going about this with frozen, then thawed, donor sperm, you have a much smaller window of fertility each month and in order to make the best use of that time, you have to get to know your body well enough to confidently know which day (if not hour) you are ovluating. it's also been a really fun process to learn everything my uterus and hormones do each month--i had no idea! i'm very proud of them and absolutely glow with joy each month (around cycle day 16ish) when i get my fertile cervical fluid!]

i also did a crap load of research regarding what hospital/medical providers we might want to use, and through a serendipitous viewing of "the business of being born" (thanks for the suggestion, netflix!) heavily started leaning towards water birth or at the very least NOT any birth that would have me tied down to the bed by IV lines, and thus found a particular hospital in our area that met these criteria and through them, a specific midwife group. we've been there once to have the preliminary conversation (and also have a pap smear and a test for...um....some childhood disease that i couldn't remember if i'd had or not? clearly it didn't leave a lasting impression on me, but in any case, i am immune to it, yay.). they were just as nice and wonderful as i expected them to be (all their reviews on yelp said things like "i live 40 minutes away driving and it was totally worth it to make that commute every week, or more often, in my last weeks of pregnancy") and totally answered all our questions. the particular midwife i spoke to didn't have tons of experience with the insemination process (she usually just seems folks after they get pregnant :) but promised to look into the questions i had about that and see if she could find answers, including whether or not they could do insemination right there. turns out they can, which she informed me of a couple days later during the phone call to tell me my pap was fine, but she also suggested another place i had also recently heard about, which was specifically founded to provide fertility services to LGBTQ folk.

bringing us to the actual act of Getting Pregnant. don't get excited, we're not there yet! but we're on our way. the books all recommended i chart for 3 months, which i did, and now we're going on vacation to paraguay in may, so i'm not going to inseminate right this second. we're going to wait until we come back (i'll likely be ovulating right around our return date) and then chart for one more full cycle to make sure things are still going on about the same timeline. which means trying to insemination around the end of july. that will be our Cycle #1!

in the meantime, once we get back from paraguay, i'd like to make an appointment to go visit that LGBTQ fertility clinic and set that in motion. also, we have to decide where we're going to get our little swimmers from. there was a very affordable option right here in chicago, but it actually shut down amidst much confusion and drama about a month or two ago. so this has changed the budget quite a bit--the next least expensive option is only about $50 more per vial, but it's in seattle, adding on about $150 in shipping each time we inseminate. so we may not be able to afford to do this every month, but we're just going with the philosophy of trying whenever we can, then waiting while we save up again. it's quite usual for it to take many tries (although it's suggested to seek professional advice if you've tried 6 cycles with no result) so i definitely have the mindset that we're in for the long haul. still really, really exciting :)

meanwhile a billion of my friends are pregnant (or does it just feel like that many?) so i want to avoid getting pregnant out of jealousy, but thankfully we went through this whole 'thinking it out' process before this sudden wave. i wish them all well :), and am trying to learn from them....

p.s. we have the absolute most perfect names picked out already! they will most definitely be a secret, however, as i can't have anyone stealing them like rachel does to monica in friends.