2012?

wait, that's the year the earth is going to self-destruct, right? according to either the ancient mayans or hollywood; i can't remember which.

AF showed today on this, cycle #2 with KD, #4 of actively trying, month #12 since starting to plan, chart, and insistently hope. yeah, hope. that's what's bugging me today.

i'm not depressed, i still didn't cry as much as i did with that first BFN back in august (but i did get a trip to amish acres out of that, though :). i have been weepy today and because of that my boss thinks i'm coming down with something, which caused him to tell me i could go home early if i felt bad. might just take him up on that...

but beyond how actually concretely weepy i have or have not been, i'm really not feeling another try right now. i feel like it's pointless. i feel like it COULD work but if it doesn't that i can't take another 'hopes up-hopes down' cycle. i feel like it's awfully likely i have fertility issues what with my weird cycle lengths and CM variations and low temps. i want to get checked out and told what's wrong, but i also have a fairly strong feeling that i'm not going to feel any better after finding that out.

i just don't know if i can start another entire year of this. i know it's still not that much, i know there are women who have been trying MANY years and still keep hope alive and in fact, it's 100% true that it could be just the next cycle, just around the corner. 'i guess it's half timing, the other half luck' and all that. but just the idea of it. remembering how excited and plan-y i was at this time last year, making appts, meeting the midwives, buying my BBT thermometer and starting prenatals (a year of prenatals! good heavens!) and picking a donor. i feel a wrenching in my gut that it was all for naught. i feel like my body doesn't or didn't work and i'm not feeling great about that. i also feel like DP has been an amazing support for me this whole time but worry she hasn't been able to cry/be frustrated/express her negative emotions like i have.

should we start thinking about fostering? adopting older children? i know i'm not exactly retirement age yet, but we've just lost An Entire Year. i don't have the sunshine-y bouncey ball hope to start an entire new one. is that wrong?

i haven't told dp yet although i saw AF this morning, because early-morning-darkness-still-basically-asleep-goodbye-kiss time is not exactly my idea of the best time to break bad news. but i want to go home and snuggle and tell her and cry together. and then i want a new plan. i don't know if i can keep doing this same one much longer.

no big news for the moment but i thought i should update for posterity's sake : ).

no BFP last month, bummer, but i have to say that everytime does get easier. i still cry, but only for about 3 minutes or so : ), whereas the first time it was this horried experience. as time goes on i'm learning more and more about my body and cycles and fertility in general, and frankly 3 times trying is really not THAT much.

we're on our fourth time right now. i'm CD18 right now, and we're doing our 3rd AI of the week tonight with KD. i got +OPK last night and this morning, so i think this is the real thing (as opposed to the other +OPK i got monday evening, not repeated or preceeded by any other +, so i think that was my standard early/false). i had some EWCM earlier in the week but haven't had any today, which is annoying me after two +OPKs in a row. i may have just stated in the previous paragraph that i'm learning more about my body and cycle, but i still get frustrated that the signs don't line up! :P i'm still seriously thinking about getting some testing done next cycle if this doesn't take, just in case. (even though KD, KD's wife, and DP all think we should just keep trying). it's MY body that isn't 'working', though, and i just don't want to waste time if it turns out i'm not ovulating or something. just saying. we'll see how frustrated i get if we see a BFN in a couple of weeks....

still on the lookout for EWCM today and a temp rise tomorrow or sat! whoo :)