wait, that's the year the earth is going to self-destruct, right? according to either the ancient mayans or hollywood; i can't remember which.
AF showed today on this, cycle #2 with KD, #4 of actively trying, month #12 since starting to plan, chart, and insistently hope. yeah, hope. that's what's bugging me today.
i'm not depressed, i still didn't cry as much as i did with that first BFN back in august (but i did get a trip to amish acres out of that, though :). i have been weepy today and because of that my boss thinks i'm coming down with something, which caused him to tell me i could go home early if i felt bad. might just take him up on that...
but beyond how actually concretely weepy i have or have not been, i'm really not feeling another try right now. i feel like it's pointless. i feel like it COULD work but if it doesn't that i can't take another 'hopes up-hopes down' cycle. i feel like it's awfully likely i have fertility issues what with my weird cycle lengths and CM variations and low temps. i want to get checked out and told what's wrong, but i also have a fairly strong feeling that i'm not going to feel any better after finding that out.
i just don't know if i can start another entire year of this. i know it's still not that much, i know there are women who have been trying MANY years and still keep hope alive and in fact, it's 100% true that it could be just the next cycle, just around the corner. 'i guess it's half timing, the other half luck' and all that. but just the idea of it. remembering how excited and plan-y i was at this time last year, making appts, meeting the midwives, buying my BBT thermometer and starting prenatals (a year of prenatals! good heavens!) and picking a donor. i feel a wrenching in my gut that it was all for naught. i feel like my body doesn't or didn't work and i'm not feeling great about that. i also feel like DP has been an amazing support for me this whole time but worry she hasn't been able to cry/be frustrated/express her negative emotions like i have.
should we start thinking about fostering? adopting older children? i know i'm not exactly retirement age yet, but we've just lost An Entire Year. i don't have the sunshine-y bouncey ball hope to start an entire new one. is that wrong?
i haven't told dp yet although i saw AF this morning, because early-morning-darkness-still-basically-asleep-goodbye-kiss time is not exactly my idea of the best time to break bad news. but i want to go home and snuggle and tell her and cry together. and then i want a new plan. i don't know if i can keep doing this same one much longer.
3 comments:
I know what you mean - there's a period after which the hopeful fun has worn off and it's a bit of a wringer to keep going through the same thing.
Here's my been there, done that advice. Get help from a doctor. Seeing a reproductive endocrinologist might be a good idea if your cycles are wonky - it might be very reassuring that everything is fine, and if not, it might be an easy, cheap fix. At the very least, you'll feel like you're switching it up and can remain optimistic that this might someday work. I'd always feel SO much better and optimistic after a consult with our RE and feel like we had a plan of a new thing to try for a few months and then a next step in case that didn't work.
After a long time trying at home and trying different low level interventions, I ended up after 4 years since the start of TTC having to do IVF, but not everyone does... and in the end, I'm so happy that my road was the long windy one with multiple losses that it was because otherwise I wouldn't have THIS baby, and I am so glad I do. I hope someday you'll look back at this time with same!
Guinevere couldn't have answered this better.
I knew a gal and she tried for years,then all of a sudden something worked,and oh boy did it work..:)
Keep the faith,and I'll send some positive thoughts your way!!
Barb
oh thank you ladies! i clearly don't visit my own blog frequently enough to notice any comments until just this morning :)
i really appreciate the advice and encouragement! i have an appt to meet with my dr next tuesday to (hopefully) get a referral to an RE, so i bet once that happens i'll be excited and feel like things are moving forward at least. without that, it's so tempting to feel like "nothing's happening, it's never going to work...etc." so let's see if i feel peppier after next tues :)
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