tested tonight and got a BFN. it was weird cause i had actually started to convince myself that it had worked...like i just KNEW, you know? which clearly means nothing :). still no AF, but she may show in a day or two. i just really thought it was going to work!
i'm NOT as sad as last time, at all, which may be because the first time is harder? i'm definitely sad, not least of all because this would have been a baby that (theoretically) might look like DP! i was really liking that idea.
and now we may (also theoretically? :) move on to using the KD i mentioned a few posts back. i definitely want to keep trying--that is something i realized the other day through prayer. sometimes i really DON'T want to try anymore, i get sort of 'sour apples' as though i say to 'fertility' or to 'conception': fine! if you aren't going to play nice then i'm not going to play anymore! but there are many reasons this is ridiculous, not least of which is the fact that there isn't some great force of the universe against me or us or our family plans. it just statistically is hard to get pregnant so there aren't 800 billion people running around on the planet (as opposed to 7 billion), and that's they way it is, period. nothing personal! although it feels an awful lot like that sometimes.
anyways, my inherent spitefulness, plus the constant stress of waiting for a +OPK, then waiting for a BFP, hoping and symptom spotting and everything, makes it awfully tempting to stop trying. the trying process is NOT fun. but if i stop...i won't get my baby. and i miss my baby. of course she or he is worth it! this just isn't the ball o' joy that i may have thought it would be....but i think i got that now :)
come on AF, let's get this over with! and now to start doing research about KDs....
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