not sure how i feel right now.

yesterday did 2 IUIs, so was expecting to joyfully (though possibly frantically) enter the TWW today. instead, took my BBT this morning as usual and it went DOWN rather than up...leading me to believe i didn't actually ovulate yet and we may possibly have wasted those 2 vials i'd been waiting so long to use. also this is because I decided that we should insem earlier than last time, so i am frustrated that this is sort of my fault. except there was no way for me to know that this month would be different than the majority of other months, but whatever. geez.

it's 4 pm, and i've been through about a jillion emotional states already today. first i was sad (already convinced that it hadn't worked) but wanting to be positive about the experience. then i was just sad and wept a little bit (this was about the time i got to work and the receptionist wanted to know if i was alright....). then i posted on the nw forum, not sure if i really wanted to hear reasons it might work, because i can't decide if i want one small tortured hope for the next two weeks or if i'd rather just let it go. i got a FEW molecules of hope out of the responses to that and was thankful for that, but still really not thinking there is much chance. and now i'm back to remembering that we have the possibility of a KD!!. frankly i still don't know what our collective thoughts are on that nor how or if it would work, but last month i was grateful the opportunity presented itself just so i wouldn't feel like this was our absolute last try, and i want to get back to feeling that.

this morning esther texted me to say i should write in our baby blog about this week so we could have a rememberance of everything, and i didn't have the heart to respond telling her what i already 'know', that it isn't going to happen this month. sorry, sweetheart! here's hoping you don't read this for a few weeks until we both already know whatever there is to know.

in the meantime someone on the forum recommended the blog of a woman working her way through fertility treatments, and in one of her posts she made the remark that michael buble's song "haven't met you yet" has the absolute perfect lyrics for baby-wanting-but-not-yet-having:

"I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet."

i don't want to give up! even when i want to give up! ha. this process is just seriously emotionally draining, you know? but i think i spent the better part of today realizing that, so starting now i really am going to turn my attention to KD and get excited about that :) november, here we come!!