and next month....

well, clearly last month didn't take. that's ok, i was bummed as usual but not completely depressed. my CD21 test said everything was fine so at least (we think) i ovulated. it was a tough month because our sweet wonderful cat Merry passed away, and we miss her terribly still. we briefly considered that maybe she went away because the time was right and to make room for the baby coming, but then...bfn. so that did suck. we actually have two new adopted kitties from the pound but they will absolutely never take her place. we still cry when we talk about her with friends. she was my roommate for eight years in three different countries and i know she will be with us forever. whoops...i'm going to start crying now.

oy. back to ttc stuff!

so we started a new month. maybe it will be good luck because i also was conceived in february? (my parents actually told me the only time they had sex that month was on valentine's day....yech.). but right off the bat we hit a snag--i had CD3 testing done and found out my estradiol is WAY low. like off the charts low. but since i have normal periods the midwife was really confused--it doesn't seem to be affecting me. and i really couldn't find much info about low estradiol online as the bigger (or more common) issue seems to be HIGH estradiol. so yeah.

moving on to the next step, i made an appointment to see my general practitioner. i have never actually met her, but i had to choose one since i have an HMO, and the midwives recommended her. i made the appt for near the time when AF should show just IN CASE we actually got pregnant this cycle. but i essentially have no hope because i feel like getting those test results were the midwife handing me The Reason that it hasn't been working. (p.s. it took FOREVER to get the test results--i didn't get them until freaking CD14!!--because the lab took too long, then they tested for the wrong thing, then the midwife was out at births two days in a row and no one else is allowed to discuss test results....oy!!!!)

this also means we'll probably take a few months off, because if i see my doctor on, say, CD5, she's going to want to run the CD3 tests again surely, so we'll have to wait a month to do that; then depending on the results she may or may not have to refer me out to an RE, who will seemingly want to run his/her own tests, and on and on.

this break could be a very good thing, though. i'm definitely going to do a little south beach diet again in the interim :), and i wouldn't be surprised if a break from ttc lightened our spirits a bit.

now here's the thing. last friday, i saw a tiny little drop of blood when i went to the restroom here at work. literally one drop, and then nothing else before or since. it looks suspiciously like implantation bleeding, or at least what i've heard IB is supposed to be like. i do NOT, CAPITAL NOT, want to get my hopes up, though :(. every month i get a twinge of hope and then AF comes traipsing in, it's like a frigging 18-wheeler rumbling across my chest. i don't want to feel that again. so i keep telling myself it's probably nothing and doesn't mean anything. i'm not tracking any other signs so i don't know what's going on with my temperature and i don't even know what day i ovulated. i of course went back through the forums and found people who had mentioned IB, to which lots of folks said "that's almost always a good sign!" but then they got bfns. so....

but here's the thing. if that was IB, and it is supposed to happen 7-10 days after fertilization...if you take the lower number of 7, conception would have been the previous friday, the day after our second insemination and the first day of good EWCM, so makes sense...my due date (40 weeks after conception) would be my birthday. that would be pretty much amazing.

(and last night in the shower i got *convinced* for about 7 minutes that i really was pregnant and was giddily chattering away to my belly the whole time. i think those moments of positivity are probably sending very good vibes to any life form that may exist in there! but i just can't entertain them for too long, because i just don't want to fall too far when AF shows up next week.)

this is the LONGEST TWW ever!!