swimmers.

according to UPS, my little guys just got to the clinic! i’m taking it as a good sign that it got there so early (supposedly by 10:36 this morning) when last time it took ALL DAY to get there on the projected day of delivery. i’m still not probably going to need them for several more days so it doesn’t matter a great deal; it’s just nice to have them just in case. feels like the next step, like the process is still going, you know? also dp, when she was packing early this morning to go on her orientation retreat for her seminary, found some extra OPKs in her toiletries bag so i’m good to go to start testing a couple times a day (i have another box waiting for me to pick it up at the post office, but no time to go get it yet....).

it’s interesting ruminating on my feelings this time. first of all, it’s strange that it could change SO much for one month to the next, but it really did. i’m not obsessively, excitedly checking UPS every 4 seconds or passionately examining my OPK lines with eagerness and devotion. i know some people, after TTC for years and it being an incredibly difficult experience, say they’re not going to get excited–so why did i get here to that same place (of non-excitement) so quickly, after just ONE bfn cycle? maybe it’s because i know this is our last go for a while (for economic reasons). at first this was very depressing to me, that if this doesn’t work we can’t try again for at least a year (which frankly is a LONG time when we were so ready....). now i think i really feel ok about it, just because...you kinda have to. like, there isn’t any other way i can twist the numbers to make it work for another month...i just can’t. so there. and maybe my emotions got the hint and decided it wasn’t worth it to be stressed out and despondent and angsty about it since it wasn’t going to accomplish anything doing so. i guess that’s a good thing! i don’t particularly mind not being jittery and ridiculously excited like i was this time last month, and i LOVE not being depressed and in the depths of disappointment. so i’ll take it, I guess :)

one other TTC note–we did attend our first alternative insemination support group earlier this week at chicago women’s health clinic (where we’re doing our IUIs). there were 2 couples, a SMBC, and the group leader, and i actually really liked it (i apparently like all things granola, hippy and feministy–who knew? :) dp won’t be able to attend further meetings because it meets one tuesday a month and she has a night class tuesdays (intro to pastoral care, i believe :)) but i’ll probably keep going and thoroughly enjoying myself. i love communities, whatever size, shape or color.

p.s. i just did the math (not because i’m that obsessed, but rather because i’m SO BORED at work) and it looks like we’d have everything else paid off and some extra cash ready to start again in around may of next year. so not an ENTIRE year of waiting, just nine months or so. oh! nine months! how ironic :)