today.

12 dpi...
all my ‘symptoms’ that I was already questioning have completely disappeared (felt them from 3dpi through about 7 dpi, they were definitely there, but wasn’t sure if they were relevant at all)...
af could show up any day now (technically the earliest she’s ever shown up is CD29, which would be tomorrow, but I’m already on my guard)...
tested way earlier this week just because it was our anniversary and it was negative, though it would have been fairly early to get a positive, and I haven’t tested again yet....
and I’m actually getting to that place where I’m like, “just show up already!”

I read other ladies saying that on the boards over the past week and I didn’t believe it; I thought to myself, ‘you’re just saying that so you won’t keep having false hopes after a couple of BFNs, because while it is still POSSIBLE, time is ticking away and since it’s more likely that af will come, want it to just happen already.’ But now I’m starting to get it....you’re almost (ALmost) over the mourning period for this month already. That seems weird, because you don’t even know for sure that it didn’t work, but since you (slash I :) have been obsessing about it ALL DAY LONG for at least 12 days now (if not more), you’ve run through the gamut of emotions and truly feel like you’re ready to accept this month’s result and get to trying for next time. Plus you really do wish that if it’s not going to happen, that you can confirm that, because it’s this flimsy hope that really kills ya....

My plan is to test again Sunday morning (15dpi) if af doesn’t show up before then, and one last time weds morning if af doesn’t show up before then. The window of opportunity for af to normally show up in would be between tomorrow (Friday) and Tuesday. That’s a freaking annoyingly large window. But I kind of feel like I have some af symptoms already....drat. I guess the first sign I would (normally) see is a temp drop at one to two days before af....so that’s even more cheery–I’ll know it didn’t work at 5 in the morning while staring bleary-eyed at a thermometer with the light from my cell phone while dp sleeps beside me. I already know I won’t wake her up to tell her.